Monday, December 20, 2004

TIME magazine is clueless

The staff of TIME magazine is a bunch of clueless fucking idiots.

OK, maybe you're thinking that statement is a little harsh. But I counter that argument by saying, "Look who those retards just named as their 'Person of the Year'"!!!


Have they lost what passes for their minds?!

According to the story (and this is a direct quote):

"For sharpening the debate until the choices bled, for reframing reality to match his design, for gambling his fortunes—and ours—on his faith in the power of leadership, George W. Bush is TIME's 2004 Person of the Year"

Let's analyze this.

"For sharpening the debate...". Hmm. In the debates I watched, he looked about as sharp as a bowling ball. He may be the dumbest person on the planet! The only way you can use the words "sharp" and "George W. Bush" in the same sentence is if you were to say "I'd like to shove a sharp stick up George W. Bush's ass and break it off."

(for those secret service agents reading this (Yeah, right), that was NOT a threat against the President. Geez. Lighten up!)

"For reframing reality..." Let me say this very clearly so there is no misunderstanding:


George W. Bush does not live in the real world. He lives in his own little fantasy world. And he's getting rid of everyone who tries to correct his view of that fantasy world.

"...for gambling his fortunes—and ours—on his faith in the power of leadership..."

I don't even know where to begin on this one. In fact, I think I'll leave it alone. Sometimes shooting fish in a barrel is just too easy.

I knew there was a reason I never liked TIME magazine. Now I know for sure.

Of course, maybe I'm setting the bar to high. This is, after all, the magazine that almost named OSAMA BIN LADEN as their person of the year!!

Oh, and George? Remember him? HE'S the person you STILL haven't captured. HE'S the one responsible for September 11th. WHY are you such a CLUELESS FUCKING IDIOT?!!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

The Joys of a Live Christmas Tree

Instructions for obtaining a live Christmas tree:

Step 1. On a bitterly cold Sunday morning, put on 3 layers of winter clothing and pile into a beat up old van with six other people and a big, smelly dog.

Step 2. Drive said van 15 miles north into Michigan to a live Christmas tree farm.

Step 3. Upon your arrival, park the van, then spend the next 45 minutes to an hour examining 50 different trees trying to find "the perfect Christmas tree".

Step 4. Upon realizing the futility of your search, realize that the only way to avoid losing your toes to frostbite is to select the next tree you see and get the hell out of there.

Step 5. Lie down in the snow on your side. Attempt to cut the tree as close to the ground as possible. Fail miserably in your attempt. Ruin your best pair of gloves in the process.

Step 6. Drag the tree (which looks a lot less straighter than it did when it was still standing) over to the baler. While waiting for the tree to be wrapped, rub face with hands in attempt to restore feeling to face.

Step 7. Spend another ten minutes freezing your ass off while the other people in your party are still getting their trees.

Step 8. Get back into van. Go home. Spend 20 minutes under a hot shower. VOW TO NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!!!!

Step 9. Do it all over again next Christmas!

Actually, this year I finally wised up and skipped the annual Christmas tree hunt. I simply threw my back out when I bent over to pick up my dad's tree. So I've spent the last day and a half on pain medication. And it still hurts like a sonofabitch.

Next year, my dad gets an artificial tree!

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


Yeah, another boring post with nothing but the day's date as the title. Hey, I'm not the most creative of people.

So. What's happening in the news today.

I see the house may finally pass the intelligence reform bill. Big deal. Do I think it will do any good? Of COURSE not!

Let's think about this. The monumental series of screwups that led to the 9/11 disaster were CREATED by the giant pile of red tape that is generated by our intelligence bureaucracy. Now they propose to cut through that red tape by INCREASING the size of that bureaucracy and creating even MORE layers of it?

Sigh. Why do I bother.

And just think. At least two more years of the Republicrats controlling everything.

Yes, I call them Republicrats, because, like Republicans, they want to cut taxes, but like Democrats, they want to increase spending at the same time.

Think about it. Suppose you had a credit card, and just kept spending and spending with it, while never making any payments, because you didn't have enough income. In a few years, you would owe thousands on this card.

Now what do you do?

I have a feeling our country is going to face that question in a few years.

Monday, December 06, 2004

The Silly Season

OK, OK, I realize I haven't posted since before Thanksgiving. Did I mention that I'm lazy?

So here we are at full sail into the hurricane of another holiday season. As usual, I'm behind on my Christmas shopping. I'm sure I'll end up finishing it all the weekend before Christmas like I always do. Sometimes I really hate Christmas.

Oh, go ahead. Call me scrooge. Like I give a good Goddamn!

Yes, sometimes I hate Christmas with a blue and purple passion. Think about it. Christmas is like work. You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

(OK, I admit it. I stole that from a joke I've heard. Still pretty funny, though!)

What is Christmas, exactly? Well, supposedly it's the day when Jesus was born. But historical records were pretty sketchy 2004 years ago. So no one can be sure of the exact date of Christ's birth. It could have been in June, for all we know. And until someone invents a time machine, we'll never know for sure.

The current date of Christmas grew out of the celebration of the Winter Solstice, when the peasants all got together to celebrate the end of the shortest day of the year, and the beginning of longer days. Or something like that.

So calling December 25th the date of the Birth of Christ is like calling Jessica Simpson the head of NASA. You can say it, but that doesn't make it true.

Personally, I think we need to put all the focus onto Easter, when the REAL miracle occured. Christmas has become far less about the birth of the savior and more about presents, eating, family, and fellowship. Not that any of these things are bad, but it would be good to know that we can enjoy them without feeling bad about not concentrating on the reason the whole holiday exists in the first place!

Maybe it's just me. Maybe not.

Bah, Humbug!