Friday, December 30, 2005

Taking a Different Tack?

Could the wright finally be getting the message?

Y'see, when the film Fahrenheit 9/11 came out last year, wright-wing groups came out to protest it in droves. The result: It was one of the highest-grossing movies of the year, and it was the highest-grossing documentary ever. Michael Moore laughed all the way to the bank.

And when the movie Saved came out in the same year, I got a mass e-mail forwarded to me by my crackpot aunt urging me not to see it. So, naturally, I watched it. It was an enjoyable piece of fluff, with a syrupy message. I recommend watching it at least once. And although the movie didn't do all that well, it would not have done as well as it did if not for the wright-wingers urging people NOT to watch it!

So now comes Brokeback Mountain. And this time, the wright wingers are taking a different approach. They are simply writing bad reviews of it.

So could it be that they're finally grasping the obvious--that the single most effective way to get someone to do something is to tell them NOT to do it?

I sure hope not. It could mean that someone on the other side actually has two brain cells to rub together. And the single most important advantage we have over the wright is that they are to dumb to get it.

Personally, I will not be seeing this movie. I have ZERO desire to see Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger kissing. Ugh! Mental...image...taking...over...must...
picture...Pamela...Anderson...naked...Ahhh! Much better!

Monday, December 26, 2005

They Said it Better Than I Could, cont.

The Tampa Tribune takes on Bill O'Reilly's fictitious war on Christmas:

Putting aside the idea that all "Happy Holidays" represents is a variation on the phrase "Happy Holy Days," which certainly seems appropriately theological, the "Christmas" kerfuffle looms as an insane chattering class issue for a more important reason.

Really now, if one's appreciation for the birth of Jesus Christ is somehow reaffirmed because one can find a "Merry Christmas" sign in Wal-Mart while one is buying an iPod, it probably doesn't say much about the depth of one's faith, does it?

Rather, isn't the true spirit of Christmas really to be found under your roof, or by the tree, or around the dinner table, or in your heart surrounded by your family, your friends?


Read the full article here.

As for me, I survived another Christmas, although my I'm surprised my credit card didn't spontaneously combust.

I also broke my right big toe two days before Christmas, and it hurts like hell.

So everyone have a safe and happy new year. Expect a "year in review" post sometime in the next few days.

Peace out!

Saturday, December 17, 2005

A Moment of Silence, Please

Sad news indeed today. John Spencer is dead.

You may know him better as "Leo" from The West Wing.

Tragically, it would seem that life, indeed, does imitate art. His character suffered a heart attack on the show during the sixth season. He recovered.

I don't know how the show will deal with the loss. Presumably (although I don't know for sure) the show has finished taping all the remaining episodes for this season. But if Jimmy Smits' character is elected President, Leo would have been the VP.

Of course, there's a good chance this may be the last season for TWW anyway, in which case it wouldn't matter.

At any rate, tonight I will raise a glass in John's memory. Farewell! We'll miss you!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Fictitious War on Christmas

Seems lately like every wright-wing blowhard these days is talking about the so-called "War on Christmas" going on in America.

Pardon my language, but what a giant steaming pile of 24-karat bullshit!

As near as I can tell, the whole non-issue was started by Bill O'Reilly, Christian soldier extraordinaire. He has called for boycotts of everything from Target to Wal-Mart--simply because they tell their employees to say "Happy Holidays" or some such, instead of "Merry Christmas". Apparently, this makes them all non-Christian heathens who will rot in hell for all eternity.

By the way, Billy boy, in just what part of the bible does it say, "thou shalt engage in sexual harassment with a subordinate, including engaging in unwanted phone sex with her, then pay her to keep quiet about it"?! Some Christian you are! Suck my dick, you bloviating nutjob!

(That last bit was added in a desperate bid to be put on O'Reilly's "enemies list". I can't imagine a better way to increase readership of this blog!)

As for the so-called "War on Christmas", I simply have this to say: Yes, there is a war on Christmas, but not in the way Bill thinks. No, the real "War on Christmas" began, in my humble opinion, when the big networks stopped showing How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Y'see, they can talk all about broadcast rights and other reasons why the special was pulled from the networks, but I have to believe that this line had a lot to do with it:

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

(emphasis mine)

Now, just imagine how happy stores (and other potential Christmas advertisers) were about THAT!

Yes, this simple statement that Christmas was more about friends, family, fellowship, and good cheer--and yes, even about Jesus--and (gasp!) NOT about buying things and going into debt for six months. It probably soured advertisers from the start. This is probably the reason why I haven't seen The Grinch in years (yes, I still don't have cable).

So Bill, if you want to talk about the REAL war on Christmas, I'll be happy to debate you any time you want. Or are you too busy hiding under your desk?!

(Again, a bid to get on his enemies list!)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have Christmas shopping to do--probably at Target. ;)

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Tooting My Own Horn

Got my letter to the editor published by The Blade today. Here's the link (it's the one at the bottom of the page.)

But, for those of you to lazy to access it, here's the text:

On Saturday the neo-Nazis plan to exercise their right to (hopefully) peaceably assemble. Fine. Our Constitution guarantees that right, along with many others.

I, however, plan to exercise my right to ignore them. And I encourage every other citizen to do the same. Attention is what these people want. If we ignore them, then maybe they will realize that northwest Ohio in December can often be a cold, miserable, uninviting place - especially when you're outside - and they will crawl back under their rocks.

Short. Simple. To the point.

I believe I have sounded off before on this subject. The Neo-Nazis plan their rally on Saturday, and I encourage anyone who will listen to ignore them. I have always believed that the best antidote to hate speech is to ignore it. To paraphrase a popular saying: If an asshole talks in the forest and no one hears him, does he make any noise?

Meanwhile, the local police will be cordoning off about six city blocks downtown. They will be closing the Government center (where I work, by the way.) They are putting up protective barriers over all the lower windows. The Ohio State Patrol has been given special permission to patrol in Toledo and lend a hand if necessary.

God only knows how much money is being spent on this whole project because of these Nazi thunder-fucks. And it may all be for nothing. There's a good chance these people may show up, realize that it's fucking cold in this city, and go the fuck home!

At least, that's what I'm hoping.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

30 Seconds

Idiot Boy gave another speech this morning. The title of this post is approximately how long it took him to invoke September 11th.

And I quote:

"It's the first year that every class of midshipmen at this academy arrived after the attacks of September the 11th, 2001." (emphasis mine)

Kee-rist! It took him less than a minute. In the first sentence of the main body of his speech (after the Thank you's and the lame joke.)

I suppose we should consider it a small miracle that he only mentioned it one other time (as far as I could tell). Perhaps Rove has gotten the message on that score.

However, also by my count, the words "terror", "terrorist", or "terrorism" was used 49 times. The word "freedom" was used 22 times. Some things never change.

As for the speech itself, it was the same as has been given dozens of times before: Stay the course, don't cut and run, when they stand up we will stand down, blah, blah, blah, etc. Nothing new.

By the way, have you all noticed how much bush has aged lately. I mean, here's a side by side comparison of what he looked like at the beginning of his term (on the left) and what he looks like today (on the right):

Also, DUIbya has been "Google Bombed" again.

Seriously. You can go to Google, put in the word "failure" (sans quotes) and press "I'm Feeling Lucky" and you get the official White House biography page of George W. Bush!

This has always worked for "miserable failure", but it also now works for "failure".

And in case you wonder why he's such a failure as president, here's a handy reference guide.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

BIG Mistake!

After reading (and re-reading) this very funny online comic strip based on the Half-Life 2 FPS game, and then reading more about the game in this wikipedia article, I decided I'd see what all the fuss was about. So I went out and bought the game (BTW: Cost = EXPENSIVE!)

Mistake. Big, big, BIG mistake!

That was one week ago. And I've been playing it ever since. Life = consumed by this game.

I've been playing it almost constantly. I must admit that parts of it can get really frustrating--after being killed by the snipers for the 20th time in a row, I nearly tore out what little hair I have left (those of you not familiar with the game have NO freaking clue what I'm talking about!) And it takes forever to load, save, and re-load. Plus I have the infamous stuttering bug (again, those unfamiliar with the game don't know what I mean--but this comic panel gives some explanation.

At any rate, I'm close to the end of the game at this point, and there better be one damn BIG payoff, considering the fact that I've barely slept, bathed or eaten since I started playing it (although I DID take time off from it for Thanksgiving--a man's gotta keep his priorities straight!)

Of course, as soon as I beat the game, I'll probably start all over again...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

OOOOHHHHH YYYEEAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"Oh come and sing Ohio's praise,
and songs to Alma Mater raise.
While our hearts rebounding thrill,
with joy which death alone can still.
Summer's heat and winter's cold,
the season's pass, the years will roll.
Time and change will surely show,
how firm thy friendship,


So long, Loyd. It's been nice knowing you!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Bush WAS Right--Dammit!!

It seems that according to ThinkProgress, an ultraconservative group called has taken it upon itself to get the song "Bush Was Right", by The Right Brothers, a conservative musical group, onto the MTV airwaves.

Here's a sample of the lyrics:

Freedom in Afghanistan, say goodbye Taliban
Free elections in Iraq, Saddam Hussein locked up
Osama’s staying underground, Al Qaida now is finding out
America won’t turn and run once the fighting has begun

Don’t you know that all this means…
Bush was right! Bush was right!

I swear to Christ I'm not making this shit up!

Seriously. Here's the link to the audio clip.

Look out Arlo Guthrie! Here come The Right Brothers!

At any rate, Rightmarch wants the future video of this song to be played on MTV's Total Request Live. And, if it isn't, it's apparently a case of censorship on MTV's part. That's right--the video doesn't even EXIST yet, and already MTV failing to show it is censorship. It couldn't possibly be that the song sucks more than a cheerleader at a frat house kegger!

It's getting harder and harder to make fun of the wingnuts when they seem to be doing such a good job all by themselves.

Speaking of the video, it appears that MSNBC's Keith Olbermann has supplied his own video for the audio snippet of the song that's been released. Crooks and Liars has the video here.

(Y'know, I'm starting to become more and more a fan of Keith Olbermann. But does anyone else besides me think he may be taking a few pointers from Jon Stewart?!)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Some Assholes Never Learn

In case the title wasn't enough warning, be warned that this post contains some serious harsh language.

You may recall that a few weeks ago we had a huge riot in North Toledo (my post about it is here).

At any rate, this riot was started when a group of Neo-Nazi dickwads decided to come here and stage a rally/march.

Now, this would have been fine if people had just ignored them. But some other people declared their intention to put up a protest counter-march. And some young men (many gang members) decided to use this whole situation as an excuse to start looting and rioting. It was a sad situation. There were several injuries, and dozens of people were arrested. Thankfully, however, no one was killed. This time.

I say "this time" because a few days ago the Neo-Nazis announced their intention to return to Toledo on December 10th and stage another protest, this time right on the steps of the Government Center in the heart of Downtown Toledo. That's right. These cock-juggling thunder-fucks (thanks for the phrase, Naked Critic!) are coming back. And this time, they'll be in the heart of downtown.

I hope people have learned their lesson and will stay away from this one (I don't plan to be anywhere near it) and I hope the news crews will leave their cameras at home.

But I sincerely doubt it.

Because, you see, the title of this post did not refer to the Nazis. It's a given that they are assholes who never learn (The Nazis were VERY BAD, you fucktards!) No, the title of this post refers to the people who just can't seem to realize that attention is what these Nazi douchenozzles want. The fact that they were able to incite a riot without ever even holding their march had to make them happier than a child molester at an orphanage. And now, they're coming back for more. And there's a good chance that they may incite another riot.

So to anyone who plans to protest their rally I say this: Stay. Home. If we ignore these people, they will go away. If no one pays attention to them, they will quickly realize that Toledo in December is a cold, uninviting place, especially if you're standing on the steps of the government center (something about the design of the building produces a nice wind-tunnel effect in the building's front plaza) and they will crawl back under whatever rock they came from.

And to the Neo-Nazis, I say this. Go. Away. We don't want you here. If you want to go somewhere, go over to Israel. I hear they're very big fans of Nazis over there...something about always giving them a "warm" welcome.

(They're so stupid, they just might fall for it!)


She looks like she could support the President, the Vice President, and most of the cabinet all at the same time.

Thanks to Horklog for the image.

Friday, November 11, 2005


Yeah, I know, it's been more than two weeks since my last post. But lately I've been busy. Plus I've also been feeling like this:

I'm slowly recovering, but you can expect a "Weighing In" post in the next couple of days. I want to talk about a lot of things!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


I'm sure you're all familiar with the legalistic warnings that are lately being attached to the end of every e-mail. You know--the ones that say "this e-mail is intended only for the addressee(s) above, if you received this in error, yada, yada, yada, etc."

Well, I figured someone besides me might have figured out just how ridiculous the whole thing is. I mean, suppose I receive an e-mail in error? How is the sender going to prevent me from doing whatever I want with it, up to and including wallpapering my bedroom with copies of it? Sure, I'll probably just delete it, and if I feel ambitious enough, I may even notify the dipshit(s) who sent it to me that they goofed. But how are they ever going to do anything about it?

So anyway, I did a quick Googlesearch and I came across this little gem from this site:

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the cat next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.

However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

(Note: the bold is where I changed "kelpie" to "cat")

Now, isn't that funny? And don't you think it nicely makes a mockery of all those dire-sounding e-mail warnings?

I'd been attaching it to my e-mails for a couple of weeks now. And today I was told to stop. "It's unprofessional", they said. And the Al Franken defense--"but it's funny!"--was falling on deaf ears.

Sometimes humor is greatly unappreciated.

By the way, I got more than a few comments from people I sent e-mails to with this warning, all of whom said they liked it--it was FUNNY!

I have also changed my standard e-mail response signature to the legalese required by the powers that be. But I've also added my own little protest note to it. Let's see how long it takes them to notice it. ;)


So. 2,000 troops dead.

Sad milestone.

And, according to Bush, to pull out from Iraq now would dishonor the memory of those 2,000 fallen soldiers.

That's like saying we should leave firefighters in a burning building where other firefighters have already died because to pull them out would dishonor the memory of the dead firefighters.

Of course, let's not forget the more than 15,000 troops who have been wounded in the conflict, nearly fifty percent of whom will not be able to return to duty (even if they wanted to in the first place).

I wouldn't mind all this so much if these soldiers had been killed or wounded fighting for a noble cause. But I think it's pretty much been proven that that isn't the case.

So here we are, 2 years, 7 months, and 2,000 flag-draped coffins after the war started, and we are no closer to an end to it than we were when it started.

I truly don't see any way this whole sad situation can end well.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

One of the Most Poignant Things I've Ever Seen.

This is just amazing.

Paul Fusco has put together an interactive photo essay of 27 military funerals. It's clear what his agenda is, but that can not and should not distract from the poignancy of these photographs. Presumably it took a great deal of time and effort to travel to these places and get the photographs, not to mention obtaining the permission to use them from the subjects of the pictures (assuming he did--any good professional photographer would). And now it's being offered free for all to view.

With the number of American deaths in Iraq nearing 2000 (as of this writing, 1,998 American troops had been killed in Iraq), I think it's important to remember the families and friends of the dead. We must remember that their suffering will continue long after the last trumpet notes fade away, long after the echoes from the gunshots fall silent, and long after the coffins have been lowered into the ground.

Oh, This is TOO Good!

It seems that according to this story, the good folks at the White House seem to be a bit upset at The Onion for using the White House logo on the site of their satirical Presidential radio addresses.

I swear you can't make this shit up.

I mean, this is just too good. Just when you thought the President's approval ratings couldn't get any lower, someone tossed them a shovel and they started digging.

I confess I'm no big fan of The Onion. I always found it kind of silly. But I know they have a large following. And I would imagine said following will get pretty upset over this.

The White House, I think, has been off its game for several months now. Anyone else besides me think this is because of all the trouble Rove is in?

I'm just sayin'!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Fox Steals from The West Wing

Anyone who's been listening to Al Franken this week has probably heard the loop he made of the various Fox pundits repeating the phrase "the criminalization of politics" in reference to the Valerie Plame leak case.

Well, tonight, I happened to be watching one of my dad's tapes of one of Bravo's West Wing marathons. I was at season three, episode 7 (Gone Quiet). In one scene, White House counsel Oliver Babish (Oliver Platt) is grilling Abby (Stockard Channing) about her involvement in the cover-up of the President's MS (those of you unfamiliar with this show have NO idea what I'm talking about right now). Here's how the dialogue goes:

Abby: Oliver...

Oliver: You broke some laws, Abby, and quite frankly you should be ashamed of yourself, but this investigation isn't about that.

A: Look...

O: (interrupting) It's about the criminalization of politics.

Jeezis! When Fox has to plumb episodes of The West Wing from the 2001 season, does anyone besides me think they GOTS NUTHIN!!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Do Your Job!

Recently, I've been hearing stories about some pharmacists who are refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control pills on religious and other grounds.

Meanwhile, presumably, these very same pharmacists no doubt have any problems filling prescriptions for Viagra or Levitra...

Four Words: Are you kidding me?!

A note to you pharmacists that are doing this: You have a job. It is one that you trained for. The basic rule of any business is if you are selling a product or service that people are willing to buy, then you should do so at every opportunity. If your particular belief system does not allow you to use contraception, that is fine, but it DOES NOT give you the right to impose those beliefs on others.

So get over it. And do your job. And if you don't like it, then maybe you should've gone into some other line of work.

Meanwhile, here's a few links where everyone else can find out what to do about this:

Planned Parenthood Action Network
Fill My Pills Now!

Monday, October 17, 2005

On Borrowed Time?

Hello all. This is a picture of my dog, Minnie:

She's a cute little mutt, isn't she?

At any rate, she was a stray dog that I adopted.

And I think she's living on borrowed time.

Why do I say this, do you ask? Well, the reason is this. As a former stray, she spent about the first five months of her life living on the street. And, in the brutally Darwinian world that is the life of a stray dog, only the smartest dogs survive. Minnie, therefore, is very smart. And she knows every way possible to get out of a fenced-in yard. I'm considering re-naming her Houdini.

And when she does this, she wanders. She wanders all over the neighborhood, frequently crossing and re-crossing the street in the process. And I'm afraid that one of these times a car will hit her. Or she'll tangle with a much larger dog (you may bave noticed that she's about the size of a stuffed toy). Or that some other horrible fate will befall her. She also doesn't come when I call her--a rather annoying trait, I might add.

So I want her to be remembered by someone besides me. I've now had four dogs in my life, and every time one of them died, it's made me very sad.

Dogs are wonderful creatures. They give us their unconditional love in exchange for nothing more than food, shelter, baths, and the occasional biscuit. What other creature can you say that about?

BTW, I'm in this reflective mood because she got out again this afternoon, and I spent half an hour wandering all over the neighborhood in the rain looking for her.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

So Here's What I Know

(This article will be heavily biased against stupid white men and will contain harsh language. BE WARNED!!)

Yesterday, there was a riot in Toledo, Ohio.

It didn't start out as one.

It started when a group of neo-nazi assholes responded to the call of the brother of a white man who was pissed that his neighbors were black, and occasionally had friends over. They announced that they would be holding a protest march here in Toledo.

Another group announced that they planned to organize a peaceful counter-protest on the same day.

The neo-nazis (hereinafter referred to as NN's) arrived in Toledo.

On the morning of October 15th, 2005, the NN's gathered in a predesignated spot to prepare for their upcoming march. Toledo police surrounded them to protect them from hostile crowds.

A large group of counter-protesters began to gather at some distance away from the NN's. They included a number of black people who were very upset that the city of Toledo allowed the NN's to excercise their Constitutional right to peacably assemble.

The NN's briefly began to march.

The counter-protestors turned violent, being very upset that the police were protecting the NN's.

The NN's cancelled their planned march, realizing that exactly what they wanted to happen had happened--namely that they wanted violence to erupt.

Violence erupted. Several people were arrested, lots of damage was done, and the national news will report that black people started a riot.

Jesus H. Christ, will the human race ever learn to live together in peace?!

I'm having serious doubts.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

A Sad Situation Indeed

Earlier today, a small group of neo-Nazis had planned to stage a protest march here in Toledo. A "peace march" was planned as a counter-protest.

But it all came to a crashing halt when violence erupted.

Stores have been looted. Buildings have been burned. Cars have been damaged and overturned. There have been some injuries, but, thankfully, no deaths (so far).

I'm not sure who I'm madder at: The Nazis for starting this whole mess, or the gang members for turning a peaceful counter-protest into a riot.

I may have more updates on this situation later as I get more info.

Friday, October 14, 2005

They Said it Better Than I Could, Chapter 3

News is out today about Theodore Roosevelt Heller, who died last week in Chicago, had included in his obituary this line:

"In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans."

Thank you, Mr. Heller.

You can read the full story here.

If you read that article, you'll notice that there is also a quote from the Teddy Roosevelt:

"The president is merely the most important among a large number of public servants," Roosevelt explained in 1918. "He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able and disinterested service to the nation as a whole.

"Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile.

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or anyone else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else."

(emphasis mine)

Teddy was a man ahead of his time.

Thanks to DailyKos for finding this.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Definition of Irony?

Sometimes, I wish I had a camera phone.

Today, as I entered the downtown Toledo library, I saw a guy standing next to a pay phone, talking on his cell phone.

Like I said, the definition of irony?

Monday, October 10, 2005

Tales from my Documents, Continued

Created: Unsure
Author: Yours truly
Title: Rules for Being the Next James Bond Supervillain:

This is a little piece I came up with from watching 40 years worth of James Bond Movies. If you enjoy it, please feel free to pass it along to your friends and family.
Please acknowledge me as the original author, though!
Eric Johnson—Toledo, OH

Suggestions for the next James Bond Villain

Being the villain in any James Bond movie always seems to be a bad career choice. I mean, yes, you always have lots of power, money, and fabulous babes, but you inevitably die a gruesome death at the hands of 007, and afterwards he whisks one or more of the aforementioned fabulous babes off to some secluded hideaway for copious amounts of sex, while whatever remains of you (usually not much) is left behind to rot. Therefore, in the interests of leveling the playing field, I would like to offer the following suggestions to the next Bond villain:

1) Make your base of operations a small, innocuous building in some backwater area, one that will do absolutely nothing to call attention to your activities. While it may be a tremendous ego boost to have a gigantic and fantastically complicated base, these locations inevitably become deathtraps after 007 applies a few strategically placed ounces of plastic explosive.

2) If you absolutely MUST use one of the aforementioned bases (due, perhaps, to the size of the device you are going to use to threaten the world), then spare no expense in its construction. Hire the world’s best structural engineers to design it so that it won’t collapse if one single support beam is destroyed! Make sure it is equipped with radar towers, sonar systems, motion detectors, guard dogs, electric fences, antiaircraft weapons, and anything else you can think of. Hey, this is no time to be cheap! Cutting corners here and there may save you a little money, but you can’t spend it if you’re dead! Oh, and whatever you do, DO NOT build underground or under water, unless you WANT to die crushed under millions of tons of dirt/rock/water/lava/etc.

3) When you hire guards/assassins/henchmen/etc., don’t hire a bunch of drunken bums who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a blunderbuss! Hire the best soldiers that money can buy. Hire the best weapons and martial arts experts you can find to train them in all techniques of armed and unarmed combat. Drill them constantly, and provide them with the best weapons available. Provide them with workout equipment and maintain a vigorous training schedule in order to keep them in top physical shape. Yes, it’s expensive, but as I mentioned before, this is no time to be cheap!

4) DO NOT hire ANY female guards/assistants/lieutenants/technicians/etc. While this may be a sexist attitude, it is a scientifically proven fact that even the most butch female is unable to resist the charms of 007. Besides, you’re an evil villain! What are they going to do, sue you for sex discrimination?!

5) Don’t bother to kidnap the brilliant scientist’s wife/daughter/mother/son/etc. in order to gain his cooperation in designing your superweapon/plague/computer virus/stealth ship/etc. He will only be resentful and work to sabotage your plans in any way he can, while trying to alert the world to your location. Money is a much more effective way of ensuring his collaboration. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This is no time to be cheap!

6) Don’t bother throwing elaborate parties to show the world how rich and powerful you are. Such occasions inevitably provide the opportunity for 007 to do a little snooping and/or sabotage. Besides, if you are so insecure in your position that you need to brag about your power and wealth, you’re in the wrong line of work.

7) DO NOT broadcast your demands to the world’s governments by way of television, radio, or any other form of on-air transmission. While it may again be a tremendous ego boost to laugh maniacally while you gloat over the fates of the helpless peoples of the world, 007 and his cohorts will undoubtedly trace your broadcast back to its source and launch an attack. A simple e-mail routed through several anonymous mail servers should be sufficient. Of course, don’t forget to destroy a city or two at the same time so people will take your threats seriously.

8) If you have crucial files whose secrecy is vital to the success of your plan, it might be a good idea to have someone GUARDING them! And whatever you do, DO NOT have it be someone that you TRUST ABSOLUTELY! This person is always a spy! In fact, if there is anyone that you TRUST ABSOLUTELY, it’s probably a good idea to kill him or her immediately. Save yourself a lot of grief later

9) If you hire people to advise you, it might be a good idea to LISTEN TO THEIR ADVICE every once in a while.

10) Keep your demands realistic. You being named the ruler of the entire world will NEVER happen. Even if every government of every country in the world says it will surrender to you, they are only stalling for time until 007 can take you out. It’s probably better to simply ask for an extremely large sum of money. Afterwards, you can always use that money to BUY your way into power.

11) When you send henchmen to kill 007 before he can get to you, tell them not to bother with such killing methods as circular saw yo-yos/Kendo sticks/flying razor hats/spiked tire motorcycles/etc. These methods are clever but useless. A hail of gunfire coming at him from as many different directions as possible will be far more effective.

12) If your henchmen claim to have killed 007, don’t believe them until you have seen his lifeless body and have personally disposed of it (cremation is the best method).

13) If you have managed to lure 007 into coming after you, think before you set up your trap. If he is driving towards your lair, don’t send a few pitiful helicopters armed with machine guns/rockets/saws/flamethrowers/etc. after him. He will easily dispatch these. Instead, send a few heavy bombers to carpetbomb the area with one thousand pound bombs. Yes, it may seem like needless overkill, but it’s also the only way to be sure. If these weapons are not available to you, then you didn’t plan properly and you deserve to fail!

14) If 007 is approaching by air, don’t bother trying to test your new supersecret weapon on his plane/helicopter/gyrocopter/etc. A few batteries of state-of-the-art Surface-to-Air Missiles should be more than adequate to bring him down. Again, if these weapons are not available to you, see #13 above.

15) If you know 007 has arrived, but you don’t where he will come in, immediately dispatch a large squad of guards to cover that “secret” entrance that nobody knows about. Odds are, he’s found out about it somehow.

16) When you capture 007, KILL HIM IMMEDIATELY! And don’t waste any time trying to plan an elaborate death for him involving laser beams/killer alligators/lethal man-eating sharks/etc. Again, clever, but utterly ineffective, no matter how stress-relieving or amusing it might be to you. SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD! RIGHT AWAY! SEVERAL TIMES! And then dump his body into a tub of acid! Hey, this is no time for half-measures!

17) You should also make sure when you shoot 007 to do it yourself, preferably while three or four very burly guards hold him steady. Whatever you do, DO NOT send him away with one of your trusted lieutenants to do it for you. 007 will easily be able to dispatch him as soon as they are out of your sight. Besides, I think we’ve covered the issue of people you trust, haven’t we?

18) If shooting him is not feasible or desirable at the moment (although I don’t see why it wouldn’t be), then have him stripped naked, and then proceed to remove his watch, rings, pens, glasses, and any other items he might be carrying. Have someone do a cavity search with a rubber glove and metal detector. I know, it’s disgusting, but it’s also the only way to be sure.

19) After removing these items, place them immediately inside a bombproof safe to which NOBODY knows the combination, not even you. Then immediately make arrangements to have that safe dropped in the ocean, at its deepest point if possible. Better yet, do it yourself. If that delays your plans by a few days, the so be it. Late is better than dead!

20) Secure the now apparently harmless 007 in Handcuffs, Shackles, Leg irons, and a restraining facemask a la Hannibal Lecter. Then lock him in a dark cell, preferably one that was fashioned from a small hole in the ground to further limit his freedom of movement. Remember to kill him as soon as possible, though.

21) Be careful that you don’t mention any part of your plan to anyone while 007 is in the same room. He will no doubt find some way to contact someone on the outside and warn him or her of what you plan to do.

22) Whatever you do, DO NOT bring the “helpless” 007 into your main control room to be a witness to the culmination of your ultimate master plan. He will inevitably find some way to foil it no matter what condition he is in.

23) Always have a foolproof escape plan ready. That way when, despite all your precautions, 007 has escaped (which happens more often than not), and is in the process of killing all your guards (he’s very good at that) and calling in the army/marines/navy/air force/etc. (they always seem to be available to him at a moment’s notice), you can get away as quickly as possible. Whatever you do, DO NOT stay within your burning control room and prepare to fight Bond to the death. You WILL lose.

24) When you’re making your escape, don’t try to fly away on a plane/helicopter/
blimp/etc. You might as well throw yourself out without a parachute and save 007 the trouble. It’s time instead to board a small tramp freighter as a stowaway and float away to some remote, extradition-free country. Yes, it’s messy and undignified, but at least you’ll still be alive at the end of your journey. Then you can use some of the millions you salted away in your Swiss bank accounts to get some plastic surgery and start planning another dastardly scheme, one that will WORK this time! You might also want to think about a possible career change—Obviously, your first choice is not working for you

If, despite all these tips, you still fail and 007 kills you, just remember that you are the evil villain! You are destined to lose! Perhaps you should’ve applied your money and power to buying the Presidency! That seems to be a much better career choice, and you can probably find some way around that little term limits thing!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The Jury's Still Out

So far, I have watched the first two episodes of the new ABC drama series Commander-in-Chief, and, I have to say, I'm not super impressed.

Unlike The West Wing which grabbed me by the throat from the first episode and has held my attention, unwavering, ever since, C-I-C has so far failed to do that.

Y'see, in the pilot episode of TWW, there was a scene near the end where some of his staffers are arguing with a group of religious conservatives. The argument is getting quite heated at one point, and just as an argument over the commandments comes up, one of the religious crowd asks the question, "Well, what's the first commandment?" At that exact point a very angry president Bartlett storms into the room and says loudly, "I am the lord your god and you shall know no other goods before me!" And he then proceeds to tear the conservative crowd a new asshole for failing to denouce a group of religious extremists. And then he tells them that until they do, " can all get your fat asses out of my White House."

I have to tell you, at that point, as I have every time I've seen it since, I stood up and cheered. And I was then hooked on the show, and have been ever since. I mean, imagine our current president, or any president for that matter, doing something similar.

To make a long story short (I know, too late), I have yet to have a similar reaction to C-I-C. I will continue to watch it, though, as long as House is still being pre-empted by baseball. So, to the makers of C-I-C I say this: You have about two more episodes to grab my interest. If it fails to happen by then, you may lose me for good. And I have a feeling I won't be alone.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

It's Official

I am officially putting the creators of ABC's Lost on notice: If I ever meet any of them, I will kidnap them, tie them to a chair in a soundproof room somewhere, and begin cutting off their appendages until they start telling me all they know about what the hell is going on on that show.

AARRGGHH!!! At the end of each new show, they promise more secrets will be revealed on the next episode, but all we ever seem to end up with is more questions. I cannot begin to describe just how frustrating this is. There is a fine line between keeping someone interesting and keeping someone exasperated, and they are getting very close to it.

I seriously wonder if these people even know what's really going on, or if they're just making it up as they go along. I gotta tell you, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Note to those who watched the show last night: Raise your hand if at a certain point you felt like yelling out, "Why, you treacherous little bitch!" or some variation of that!

Those of you who didn't watch it have no idea what I'm talking about, of course.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Could This be a Reason?

Gas is currently at an average of $2.90 in my city.

This evening, as I was driving home, I stopped at a red light on a main artery street. I looked around, and I saw the following:

4 Jeep Liberties
2 Ford Explorers
1 Dodge Ram Pickup
1 Chevy Tahoe
1 Ford Expedition

I would guess that, on average, these vehicles han an MPG of about 15. And, from my observations, not one of them held more than one person.

It would seem to me that regardless of the price of gas, no one in this country seems to want to conserve.

Is it any wonder that the Arabs have us by the balls.

Harriet Who?

Who the hell is Harriet Miers?

Conservatives are saying they hate her as a choice.

Harry Reid says he likes her.

I think Daily Kos says it best:

I reserve the right to change my mind, but Miers' biggest sin, at this early juncture, is her allegiance to Bush. That her appointment is an act of cronyism is without a doubt, but if that's the price of admission to another Souter or moderate justice, I'm willing to pay it.

More immediately, this is the sort of pick that can have real-world repercussions in 2006, with a demoralized Republican Right refusing to do the heavy lifting needed to stem big losses. That Bush went this route rather than throwing his base the red meat they craved is nothing less than a sign of weakness. For whatever reason, Rove and Co. decided they weren't in position to wage a filibuster fight with Democrats on a Supreme Court justice and instead sold out their base.

As far as I'm concerned, Ms. Miers already has two strikes against her. 1) She's a Bush crony and 2) She's on record as having praised Bush for his intelligence and leadership. One more strike and she's out.

I can't help but wonder if all the outrage from the ultra-wright is not just a smokescreen--and that they're secretly pleased as punch with her selection.

Nah. They're not that subtle. Are they?

Monday, October 03, 2005

More Fun With Photoshop

President Nero strikes again!

Screaming at the News

Every so often, I hear or see something on the news that is so outrageous I end up shouting at my TV or radio.

Like yesterday, for example. I was watching one of the Sunday news shows (I think it was This Week--I'm not sure; they tend to blend together) and they featured and interview with some four-star general. He was lamenting the fact that the news only seemed to cover the negative aspects of the Iraq fiasco, while ignoring all the positive things happening in that country (all 2 of them).

At any rate, one of the things he crowed about was how the Sunnis are becoming more involved in the political process in Iraq.

Six words: This. Is. Not. A. Good. Thing.

The only reason the Sunnis have become more involved in the political process is that they hope to defeat the proposed constitution, which, if approved, will apparently deprive them of what few rights they have left.

I may have screamed something to that effect at the TV yesterday. However, since screaming at my TV has about as much effect as a fart in a tornado, I decided I'd scream it again on this blog and hope that one of the three people reading this will tell someone else about it. And then that person will tell someone else, and so on and so on.

Hey, a man can dream.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

Yesterday, Minnie (my dog) and I were playing with some of the neighbor's children. My neighbor happened to be working on his roof at the time, and one of the kids suddenly piped up:

"I learned something important: Never scream when someone's on the roof."

Sometimes life can be a cruel teacher.

Friday, September 30, 2005

The Hopeless Optimist

Yeah, I know I haven't posted in almost two weeks. Shut up already, willya?!

Anyhoo, tonight, as I was driving home, I saw a car with this bumper sticker on it:

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then mankind will know peace"

(Great sentiment, isn't it?)

There were various other bumber stickers expressing similar sentiments on this car. Ah, the hopeless optimist. I should also point out that this car was flying a Cleveland Browns window flag.

Ah, the hopeless optimist. Ya gotta love 'em.

I suppose it's entirely possible that someday love and decency will overcome basic human nature. I suppose it's also possible that a pig can be taught to say the rosary and then be taken bodily into heaven. I'm not holding my breath that either one will happen.

Meanwhile, I will continue to expect the worst from people. I find that I am rarely disappointed that way.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I'm Pissed Off!

Patrick Leahy has caved.

He has announced that he, along with Max Baucaus (D.--Mont.) will be voting for John Roberts.

It's now likely that he will get at least 80 votes.

I think Daily Kos says it better than I could:

Let me be clear. I had no illusions that John Roberts would not be confirmed. The fight NOW was for the NEXT fight. Dems needed to show spine now so that Bush would fear what they might do on the next one.

Who in their right mind would have any fear of the Democratic Senators now? No one. Even an idiot like Bush can see that.

One line that annoys me that I hear bandied about is that somehow this shows that "Dems will approve 'reasonable' nominees." For the life of me I don't understand that comment. Roberts may well be "reasonable," but how in the hell does anybody know?

Imagine this scenario. Bush nominates a conservative appellate court judge who has only 2 years of judicial experience, a history as a Republican partisan, worked at the Reagan White House and then in the Solicitor General's office. This nominee then basically cribs his "answers" from those provided by Roberts. Then what do Dems do? Because if you think Roberts is the only one of these Stepford judges they can find, you are sadly mistaken...

...Bush now has a free hand to nominate whatever wingnut he pleases. What are the Dems gonna do? Fight? Don't make me laugh.

So, so long the right to choose. So long Congress' Commerce power. So long checks on Presidential power. So long civil rights laws.

(emphasis mine)

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. I just can't fucking believe it!!

I mean, the only thing we know about Roberts is that "Dr." James Dobson is delighted with him as the president's choice. That fact alone should convince anyone to the left of Rush Limbaugh that Roberts is the wrong choice.

I plan to write a letter to the editor on this. If it gets published. I'll let you know.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Leave Our Children Alone!

So. The good folks at MoveOn have alerted me to the fact that the Pentagon, over the last three years (roughly the amount of time spent preparing for and fighting the war in Iraq), has been collecting a secret database of personal info about teenagers and young adults between the ages of 16 and 25. This database includes cellphone numbers, e-mail addresses, physical data, etc. The goal of this database is, of course, to determine likely targets for recruitment.

Does anyone else besides me think that this is REPREHENSIBLE?!

Have they no sense of decency? At long last, have they no sense of decency?!

I have no children (yet) but my cousin has four, including a daughter in junior high school. And I'm sure that not too long from now, she'll be put on this list. Along with thousands, if not tens or hundreds of thousands, of other children.

At any rate, there is a website out concerned parents (and children!) can tell the Pentagon to leave them the hell alone!!!.

To you, the three people reading this, I say this: Spread the word. Tell your friends and family about this. Let them no that you will not stand for the military setting your kids up as targets for predatory recruiters.

Of course, the silence from the "liberal" media on this issue is deafening...

Sunday, September 18, 2005


I'm guessing you're asking about the title of this post.

Well, like this post a few months ago, the title of this post indicates how much I just paid to fill up my tank.

Let me remind you people that I drive a Ford Escort with a ten gallon gas tank. Up until a few months ago, I had NEVER paid more than $15 to fill my gas tank--even when it was sitting on empty.

But now, even my tiny car is feeling the pinch of $2.75 a gallon for gas.

And I have to wonder: What is the limit? How high do gas prices have to get before people start to boil over? When will we as a nation finally say: "ENOUGH!"

When do our politicians finally declare that oil companies have a limit on how much they can charge?

When do we finally start a project to ensure that this country becomes completely energy independent in ten years?

The answer is: When hell freezes over.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Laughing My Ass Off!!!

Some pictures are worth 1000 words. There is no number high enough to express how many words THIS picture is worth:

I laughed so hard I nearly pissed my pants.

Thanks to snopes for the image.

Back to Normal

Whew! That's the first time I've ever run a continuous update on a blog. That's more posts over the course of a couple hours than I usually do over the course of a month.

And I apologize for any typos, misspellings, or out of order posts. I was both tired and excited last night (not to mention a little tipsy!)

Anyhoo, it's back to normal for now. Look forward to a similar series of entries in two months when the Buckeyes take on That State Up North (probably).

Peace out!

HENS WIN!!!!!!!


8 runs
15 hits
2 errors


There's not much to be proud of in Toledo in this day and age, but WE WON THE GOVERNOR'S CUP!!!!!!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Bottom of the 8th.

Mud Hens 8. Indians 0.

Signing off, folks.

If the Hens lose this game, I will shit myself.

It looks like the Governor's cup will be in Toledo for the next year!

Top of the Eigth

Up next: Martinez, HOOPER!, and Wise.

11:39 Another pitching change for Indy.

11:41 Sandy Martinez hits a hard grounder. 1 out.

11:42 HOOPER! hits a double!

11:43 Wise hits to advance HOOPER! to third.

11:45 Thames hits a high fly, but not far enough to score HOOPER! 2 out

11:48 Wise steals second. Count is 3-1

11:48 Mike Hessman HOMERSSSSS!!!!!!!

Hens, part 10

Double Play!!!

Grilli has pitched 7 great innings

Hens still lead, 6-0!

Note: I'm trying the best I can to follow this game on the radio. Any errors are simply the fault of other people!!!

Hens blog, part 9

Mark Woodyard up in the Henpen

Blogging the Hens, Part 7

Bottom of the 7th.

Indianapolis up. now one out.

Hens Update, part 8

Indy: double down the line, runner on 2nd.

I think it's time for Grilli to sit down--he has pitched a beauty.

Blogging the Hens, part 6

Inning 7th

Score 5-0 Hens.

Bases loaded.

time now 11:28 p.m.

3 outs. Coming up: bottom of 7th.

Blogging the Hens Part 5

Top of the 7th.

Score: 5-0 Pinch hiiter Jason Smith.

Will keep posting.

Blogging the Hens, Part 4

Six innings down. Score: 5-0 Hens.

Jason Grilli mowed 'em down again, 1-2-3.

Looking good!!!

Hens Update

Time: 11:06

Inning: top of sixth

Score: 5-0 Hens!

Two outs this inning, two more runs scored!

Blogging the Hens

Date: 9/15/2005

Time: 10:53 p.m.

Score: 3-0 Hens

Inning: bottom fifth

Marcus Thames just hit a 3-run homer at the top of the fifth. Currently the Hens lead.

Indianapolis just made their third out of the inning. Coming up: top of the sixth. Mud Hens lead, 3-0.

Blogging the Mud Hens

Date: 9/15/2005

Inning: Bottom 5th

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Big, Fat, F###ING DEAL!!!

So. Britney Spears had her baby.

Words cannot begin to describe how little I care about this. You should consider yourselves lucky I even added a link to the story.

With everything that's going on in the world today, the importance of this event doesn't even begin to compare.

Imagine standing at the base of the Empire State Building. At the top is the most important news story of the day. Now, get a jackhammer. Start digging. Keep digging until you are as far below ground as the top of the ESB is above it. Now imagine there was nothing but clear glass below you. You STILL wouldn't be able to see how far you'd have to dig before you reached the importance of the Britney Spears baby story.

Huh. I guess maybe words can describe how little I care about this story.

These Seem Appropriate...

A couple of photoshopped pictures of President Nero--er, I mean, President Bush.

Note: The top photo is a remix of two pictures taken the same day!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Lest We Forget...

Here we are, four years later, and it would seem we are no better prepared for a disaster of these proportions than we were four years ago.

I fear for the future of this country.

Saturday, September 10, 2005


Growl. Bark. SNAP! GRRRR!!!!

I hate the whole fucking state of Texas and everyone and everything in it (except for the refugees from New Orleans).

For those of you who are unaware, I'm a BIG Ohio State fan. Just check the colors of the Google ads to the right (profits from which, by the way, are pledged to the USO).

SO you can understand why I'm a bit upset right now.

Of course, some of the blame has to be placed on Jim Tressel, for not STARTING TROY SMITH!!! If the other team has a skilled, extremely mobile quarterback, then the best way to counter that is to deploy one of your own.

My only consolation is that Michigan also lost this weekend. Of course, they lost to Notre Dame, which means the ND fan in my office will be impossible to live with for the rest of the week.

And,of course, some of the blame must also be placed on the Buckeyes. Seriously. I've seen Pop Warner teams play better than that.

I'm too pissed off to write more right now.

Friday, September 09, 2005

The Hens Rule the Roost!

The Toledo Mud Hens win again!!!

To the three people reading this blog, let me explain: The Toledo Mud Hens are my local triple-A minor league baseball team. They are the farm team for the Detroit Tigers. And they had the best record in their league this year. They are in the playoff for the Governor's cup--the top award for their league.

I went to their game tonight. They are in a best-of-five series with the Norfolk Tides, the farm team for the NY Mets. They won, 4-2.

It may possibly have been the best game I've ever seen.

There is something you must understand: Triple-A minor league baseball is the top tier of the minor leagues. Players in this league are only one step away from playing in the majors. As a result of this, they are driven, determined, and hungry. That means they spare no effort. Most of them are young (only one Mud Hens starter was born before 1976), and they all want a chance to go to "the show".

As such, there are no boring games at this level. Case in point: The Hens scored 3 of their 4 runs tonight with two outs.

Tomorrow night they have a chance to win the best-of-five series. I won't be there in person, but I will be cheering them on--while watching my beloved OSU Buckeyes as they take on Texas.

The minor leagues have saved baseball as we know it more times than I can count. And I am grateful that they will always be there, regardless of what happens to the major leagues.

Mud Hens
Norfolk Tides
International League

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

They Said It Better Than I Could, Chapter 2

Via Daily Kos:

The Senate Democrats have put together an accounting of Bush's failures:

Approximate number of U.S. troops currently in Iraq: 139,000

Percent of coalition forces contributed by the U.S.: 85.7

Weeks since the Pentagon developed a plan to draw down U.S. forces in Iraq to roughly 40,000 by mid-2005: 98

Approximate amount appropriated by Congress for Iraq operations so far: $218 billion

Approximate amount spent by the U.S. in World War I: $205 billion

Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) found: 0

Number of U.S. service members killed in Iraq: 1,886

Number reported wounded by the Defense Department: 14,265

Approximate number of medical evacuations of U.S. military personnel performed since the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom: 55,000

Number of National Guard soldiers killed in Iraq through August 27, 2005: 269

Number of National Guard soldiers killed in the entire Vietnam War: 97

Number of Iraqi military and police killed since training began (June 2003): 3,051

Estimated number of insurgents in Iraq (November 2003): 5,000

Estimated number of insurgents in Iraq (June 2005): 15-20,000

Estimated number of 107 Iraqi military and special police battalions that are capable of operating independently: 3

Amount charged to American taxpayers by Halliburton to build a movie library for its employees: $152 million

Number of movies in the library: 10,000

Total number of nations contributing troops to Iraq as part of President Bush's "coalition of the willing" at some point during the war: 37

Number of these nations that either have withdrawn or plan to withdraw their troops from the coalition: 14

Average size of troop contributions by nations with troops currently deployed to Iraq, excluding the United States, United Kingdom, South Korea, and Italy: 186


Days since September 11, 2001 that Osama bin Laden has remained uncaptured: 1,454

Days after bombing Pearl Harbor that Japan surrendered to U.S. forces: 1,365

Number of times President Bush mentioned the "war on terror" in one month before the 2004 elections: 71

Number of times in the six months following the 2004 elections: 66

Number of terrorist suspects the Bush Administration claims have been convicted since September 11, 2001: 200

Number that have actually been convicted: 39

Recruits needed per month for the rest of the fiscal year, if the Army is to meet its annual goal: 12,396.5

Highest monthly total of Army recruits this year: 8,086

Number of months the Marine Corps missed its recruiting goals between January and April 2005: 4

Number of months the Marine Corps missed its recruiting goals in ten years before January 2005: 0

Prior to 2004, years since the Army National Guard last missed its annual recruiting goal: 11

Consecutive months the Army National Guard has missed its monthly recruiting goals: 9

Number of the six Reserve Components that met their recruiting goals last month: 2

Rate of loss of Army captains and lieutenants, the Army's junior officers, in 2004: 8.5

Average rate of loss of Army captains and lieutenants, 1996-2004: 7.3

Resignation requests submitted by Army Reserve Officers in 2001: 15

Resignation requests submitted by Army Reserve Officers, September 2003-September 2004: 370

Percent of Army enlisted special operations personnel leaving the force in 2004: 13

Percent of Army enlisted special operations personnel leaving in 2003: 6

There's much more--visit the link!

Monday, September 05, 2005

The Latest Addition to the Family

Welcome to the world, Samuel McAfee (my newest second cousin)!

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Oh God, NO!!!

Rehnquist is dead!

No doubt now DUIbya and company are ready to pick another Scalia clone to replace him.

Ladies, I hope you like all those years you were able to vote, 'cuz you're about to lose that right.

And that pesky right to privacy? That's gone too!

Those troublesome Miranda rights? Say goodbye to 'em!

Freedom of the press? GONE!

Get ready to spend the next 30+ years in a fascist state.

To all you Bush voters out there: GO TO HELL!!! You have effectively fucked us all for the next 30 years!

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Friday, September 02, 2005

What The HELL is Going On?!

The City of New Orleans is 80% underwater.

There are hundreds, if not thousands, dead.

Desperate survivors are seeking any possible means to get to safety, many resorting to violence.

And where is our government?

Here we are, almost four years to the day after the attacks of September 11th, 2001, and it seems that our federal disaster responders are apparently no better prepared to handle this tragedy than they were four years ago.

An Aside: A co-worker of mine got the call the day before yesterday. He is an Army reservist, and they basically told him to grab his boots and report to base. He's already gone south, and will be gone six months to a year. I shudder to think that this man, after being deployed twice since September 11th, could once again meet a tragic fate right here at home.

The President spent two extra days on vacation after this crisis happened. Two days in which he posed for photos (see below), gave speeches about Iraq and Social Security, and otherwise generally ignored what is arguably the worst natural disaster in this country's history. Then, he allowed press photographers to snap pictures of him gazing somberly out the window of his plane as it flew low over the devastation. I've seen the pictures. He looks utterly lost and helpless.

I've seen that same look before. It was on his face as he sat in an elementary school class four years - 9 days ago, after being informed that America was under attack. It would seem that, just like on that sad day, he has NO idea what to do next.

I just can't help but wonder: Where is the savvy team of political handlers that got this worthless piece of shit elected, not once, but twice? Where are the people that convinced a tiny majority of this country's population that George W. Bush was a better choice for President than his oppponent?

It would seem that the skills necessary to get someone elected are not necessarily the same skills necessary to run a country effectively in a crisis. We learned that lesson four years ago. Now, sadly, we are learning it yet again. Too bad it's too late to do anything about it.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

You Know What They Say...

...about a picture being worth a thousand words:

Holy shit! Holy, holy, HOLY SHIT!

Local prices in my neck of the woods are averaging about $3.10/gal.

Anyone besides me think maybe it's time we looked for an alternative energy source?!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

While New Orleans Floods...

...Nero strums.

UPDATE (11:30 a.m. 9/1/05): Did you happen to notice which finger he has extended?!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's a Miracle!

Apparently, in the wake of massive flooding, millions upon millions of dollars worth of destruction, and more than 60 deaths (and counting), DUIbya has apparently taken it upon himself to cut short his vacation. Shall miracles never cease?!

At any rate, I'm sure his political handlers are working on how they can best use this opportunity to their advantage, to help pump up his sagging approval ratings.

What? You think I'm hopelessly cynical? I'm sorry, have we met?!

At any rate, I did my part: Today, I made a donation to the American Red Cross. A rather generous donation considering my financial situation, I might add. I encourage the three people reading this to do the same. And tell your friends. You could also arrange to make a blood donation--I'm sure the R.C. is going to need that, too. And yes, I am a regular donor (57 pints and counting!)

You might also want to drop by the USO and give them a few bucks too. We need to make sure our troops don't get forgotten in the wake of Katrina. After all, there may be more than a few of them who have friends and/or family who are suffering in the aftermath of this disaster.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Just Letters

Remember those magnetized refrigerator letters? Did you used to love to play with them? Here's your chance to do it again!

It's hard to keep anything in one place for long, but I managed to keep "IMPEACH BUSH" intact vertically for 1 minute and 8 seconds (I timed it) before it got removed. Here's a screencap:

Also managed to give some props to h0rk:

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Priorities, Man, Priorities!

Here's a screencap from the rotating AOL menu this morning:

OK, let's analyze this: A guy is sitting on a mountain, he's surrounded by some of the most beautiful scenery imaginable, and he's working on his laptop!!!

Like I said: Priorities!

Have a good day, everyone (all two of you!)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Is Nothing Sacred?

Apparently, according to this article, many grave markers of fallen soldiers now contain the names of the "operations" where they were killed, such as "Operation Enduring Freedom", or "Operation Iraqi Freedom". Apparently, not even soldiers' tombstones can escape being used as pro-war propaganda.

Most of the gravestones of soldiers killed in previous wars are simple markers containing name, rank, and dates of birth and death. So why the change?

Call me cynical (I know, the hell you say!), but I have to believe it's yet another attempt to shore up support for a useless and costly war. I can't help but wonder how long it will take before we see campaign slogans and commercial advertising. Think about it: Before long, soldiers will lie buried not under a cross or star of David, but under a Nike Swoosh or a Halliburton logo.

And as for "Operation Iraqi Freedom", I think they called it that because "Operation We Totally Fucked Up By Invading A Sovereign Muslim Country Without Any Justification And Now The Rest Of The World (Particularly The Arab World) Totally Hates Our Guts" is just too long.

But you gotta admit, it's got a nice ring to it!

Monday, August 22, 2005

He Said it Better Than I Could

Credit where credit is due: The following was written in the New York Times by Frank Rich, and was taken directly from Cindy Sheehan's blog

CINDY SHEEHAN couldn't have picked a more apt date to begin the vigil that ambushed a president: Aug. 6 was the fourth anniversary of that fateful 2001 Crawford vacation day when George W. Bush responded to an intelligence briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States" by going fishing. On this Aug. 6 the president was no less determined to shrug off bad news. Though 14 marine reservists had been killed days earlier by a roadside bomb in Haditha, his national radio address that morning made no mention of Iraq. Once again Mr. Bush was in his bubble, ensuring that he wouldn't see Ms. Sheehan coming. So it goes with a president who hasn't foreseen any of the setbacks in the war he fabricated against an enemy who did not attack inside the United States in 2001.

When these setbacks happen in Iraq itself, the administration punts. But when they happen at home, there's a game plan. Once Ms. Sheehan could no longer be ignored, the Swift Boating began. Character assassination is the Karl Rove tactic of choice, eagerly mimicked by his media surrogates, whenever the White House is confronted by a critic who challenges it on matters of war. The Swift Boating is especially vicious if the critic has more battle scars than a president who connived to serve stateside and a vice president who had "other priorities" during Vietnam.

The most prominent smear victims have been Bush political opponents with heroic Vietnam résumés: John McCain, Max Cleland, John Kerry. But the list of past targets stretches from the former counterterrorism czar Richard Clarke to Specialist Thomas Wilson, the grunt who publicly challenged Donald Rumsfeld about inadequately armored vehicles last December. The assault on the whistle-blower Joseph Wilson - the diplomat described by the first President Bush as "courageous" and "a true American hero" for confronting Saddam to save American hostages in 1991 - was so toxic it may yet send its perpetrators to jail.

True to form, the attack on Cindy Sheehan surfaced early on Fox News, where she was immediately labeled a "crackpot" by Fred Barnes. The right-wing blogosphere quickly spread tales of her divorce, her angry Republican in-laws, her supposed political flip-flops, her incendiary sloganeering and her association with known ticket-stub-carrying attendees of "Fahrenheit 9/11." Rush Limbaugh went so far as to declare that Ms. Sheehan's "story is nothing more than forged documents - there's nothing about it that's real."

But this time the Swift Boating failed, utterly, and that failure is yet another revealing historical marker in this summer's collapse of political support for the Iraq war.

When the Bush mob attacks critics like Ms. Sheehan, its highest priority is to change the subject. If we talk about Richard Clarke's character, then we stop talking about the administration's pre-9/11 inattentiveness to terrorism. If Thomas Wilson is trashed as an insubordinate plant of the "liberal media," we forget the Pentagon's abysmal failure to give our troops adequate armor (a failure that persists today, eight months after he spoke up). If we focus on Joseph Wilson's wife, we lose the big picture of how the administration twisted intelligence to gin up the threat of Saddam's nonexistent W.M.D.'s.

The hope this time was that we'd change the subject to Cindy Sheehan's "wacko" rhetoric and the opportunistic left-wing groups that have attached themselves to her like barnacles. That way we would forget about her dead son. But if much of the 24/7 media has taken the bait, much of the public has not.

The backdrops against which Ms. Sheehan stands - both that of Mr. Bush's what-me-worry vacation and that of Iraq itself - are perfectly synergistic with her message of unequal sacrifice and fruitless carnage. Her point would endure even if the messenger were shot by a gun-waving Crawford hothead or she never returned to Texas from her ailing mother's bedside or the president folded the media circus by actually meeting with her.

The public knows that what matters this time is Casey Sheehan's story, not the mother who symbolizes it. Cindy Sheehan's bashers, you'll notice, almost never tell her son's story. They are afraid to go there because this young man's life and death encapsulate not just the noble intentions of those who went to fight this war but also the hubris, incompetence and recklessness of those who gave the marching orders.

Specialist Sheehan was both literally and figuratively an Eagle Scout: a church group leader and honor student whose desire to serve his country drove him to enlist before 9/11, in 2000. He died with six other soldiers on a rescue mission in Sadr City on April 4, 2004, at the age of 24, the week after four American security workers had been mutilated in Falluja and two weeks after he arrived in Iraq. This was almost a year after the president had declared the end of "major combat operations" from the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln.

According to the account of the battle by John F. Burns in The Times, the insurgents who slaughtered Specialist Sheehan and his cohort were militiamen loyal to Moktada al-Sadr, the anti-American Shiite cleric. The Americans probably didn't stand a chance. As Mr. Burns reported, members of "the new Iraqi-trained police and civil defense force" abandoned their posts at checkpoints and police stations "almost as soon as the militiamen appeared with their weapons, leaving the militiamen in unchallenged control."

Yet in the month before Casey Sheehan's death, Mr. Rumsfeld typically went out of his way to inflate the size and prowess of these Iraqi security forces, claiming in successive interviews that there were "over 200,000 Iraqis that have been trained and equipped" and that they were "out on the front line taking the brunt of the violence." We'll have to wait for historians to tell us whether this and all the other Rumsfeld propaganda came about because he was lied to by subordinates or lying to himself or lying to us or some combination thereof.

As The Times reported last month, even now, more than a year later, a declassified Pentagon assessment puts the total count of Iraqi troops and police officers at 171,500, with only "a small number" able to fight insurgents without American assistance. As for Moktada al-Sadr, he remains as much a player as ever in the new "democratic" Iraq. He controls one of the larger blocs in the National Assembly. His loyalists may have been responsible for last month's apparently vengeful murder of Steven Vincent, the American freelance journalist who wrote in The Times that Mr. Sadr's followers had infiltrated Basra's politics and police force.

Casey Sheehan's death in Iraq could not be more representative of the war's mismanagement and failure, but it is hardly singular. Another mother who has journeyed to Crawford, Celeste Zappala, wrote last Sunday in New York's Daily News of how her son, Sgt. Sherwood Baker, was also killed in April 2004 - in Baghdad, where he was providing security for the Iraq Survey Group, which was charged with looking for W.M.D.'s "well beyond the admission by David Kay that they didn't exist."

As Ms. Zappala noted with rage, her son's death came only a few weeks after Mr. Bush regaled the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association banquet in Washington with a scripted comedy routine featuring photos of him pretending to look for W.M.D.'s in the Oval Office. "We'd like to know if he still finds humor in the fabrications that justified the war that killed my son," Ms. Zappala wrote. (Perhaps so: surely it was a joke that one of the emissaries Mr. Bush sent to Cindy Sheehan in Crawford was Stephen Hadley, the national security adviser who took responsibility for allowing the 16 errant words about doomsday uranium into the president's prewar State of the Union speech.)

Mr. Bush's stand-up shtick for the Beltway press corps wasn't some aberration; it was part of the White House's political plan for keeping the home front cool. America was to yuk it up, party on and spend its tax cuts heedlessly while the sacrifice of an inadequately manned all-volunteer army in Iraq was kept out of most Americans' sight and minds. This is why the Pentagon issued a directive at the start of Operation Iraqi Freedom forbidding news coverage of "deceased military personnel returning to or departing from" air bases. It's why Mr. Bush, unlike Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter, has not attended funeral services for the military dead. It's why January's presidential inauguration, though nominally dedicated to the troops, was a gilded $40 million jamboree at which the word Iraq was banished from the Inaugural Address.

THIS summer in Crawford, the White House went to this playbook once too often. When Mr. Bush's motorcade left a grieving mother in the dust to speed on to a fund-raiser, that was one fat-cat party too far. The strategy of fighting a war without shared national sacrifice has at last backfired, just as the strategy of Swift Boating the war's critics has reached its Waterloo before Patrick Fitzgerald's grand jury in Washington. The 24/7 cable and Web attack dogs can keep on sliming Cindy Sheehan. The president can keep trying to ration the photos of flag-draped caskets. But this White House no longer has any more control over the insurgency at home than it does over the one in Iraq.

The media are wrong. The people who have come out to Camp Casey to help coordinate the press and events with me are not putting words in my mouth, they are taking words out of my mouth. I have been known for sometime as a person who speaks the truth and speaks it strongly. I have always called a liar a liar and a hypocrite a hypocrite. Now I am urged to use softer language to appeal to a wider audience. Why do my friends at Camp Casey think they are there? Why did such a big movement occur from such a small action on August 6, 2005?

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Tales From My Documents, Chapter 5

Document title: Athletes is Dum
Document Source: E-mail
Document Author: Unknown
Text of Document:

Why Athletes Can't (Shouldn't) Have Real Jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Poster's Comments: I have no idea if any of these are actual quotes or not. I googled some of them, and they did appear on the intarweb, but that's no proof!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Apparently Not ALL Rednecks are Assholes

In a story that leads me to believe there may yet be some hope for Texas, a rancher in Crawford has offered a parcel of his land near the Bush "ranch" to the peace protestors at Camp Casey.

Of course, in an ironic twist, the rancher is Fred Mattlage, a distant cousin of Larry Mattlage, the man who fired his shotgun into the air near the protestors a couple of days ago. I guess this proves that just because one person in a family is a moronic asshat, that doesn't mean that everyone else in that family is the same way.

To Fred Mattlage, I say this: Well done, sir! You have proven that in a hot situation, cool heads can still prevail, and that violence is not the solution to every problem--despite what our president seems to think!

And to Cindy Sheehan, I say this: Keep it up! The country needs more people like you, who stand up to our political leaders and tell them in no uncertain terms that they are wrong. People need to learn that dissent is not unpatriotic--it is, in fact, quite the opposite!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Spam Comments?!

Imagine my surprise, upon glancing back through some previous posts, to discover that someone had left a "stock tip spam" message as a comment to a previous post.

Needless to say, said comment has been deleted.

And I issue a fair warning to anyone else who has an impulse to do the same thing: I will immediately delete your comments, and I will compose an article of prose that shall bring you low for all eternity! You will inspire me to such lofty heights of insulting rhetoric that your grandchildren will feel the shame from my wrathful words. "I will eviscerate you in fiction. Every pimple, every character flaw. I was naked for a day; you will be naked for eternity."*

You have been warned!

*From the movie A Knight's Tale

Monday, August 15, 2005

Another Redneck Asshole

According to this story, Larry Mattlage, a 62-year-old neighbor of DUIbya's Texas "ranch" fired several rounds from his shotgun into the air, near the Cindy Sheehan protest site.

I have two words for Mr. Mattlage: You. Dumbass.

So far, Ms. Sheehan's protest has been a peaceful one. But all it would take to turn it violent is one fucktard like Mattlage doing something just like he did.

Fortunately, no one was hurt, and nothing violent came of it, but consider this: The crowd of protestors outside the Bush "ranch" is growing rapidly, and they are being joined by a number of counter-protestors. When we mix a highly emotional issue with people who strongly believe in their cause, then heat that mixture with a daily dose of strong Texas heat, you have a recipe for a tragedy waiting to happen.

So to you, Mr. Mattlage, I say this: Keep your gun unloaded and on its rack, you ignorant redneck asshole. The protestors will only be inconveniencing you for a few weeks. Ms. Sheehan has to deal with the pain of losing her son for the rest of her life!

And by the way, you may want to check out the nearest high-school physics book (assuming you can read--not necessarily a safe assumption!) and learn about gravity, kinetic energy, and what can happen when several lead pellets fired into the air inevitably come down.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Tales from My Documents, Chapter 4

Document Title: Bush Inaugural Song
Created in My Documents: 7/6/01
Original Author: Unknown
Text of Document:

G.W. Bush's Inaugural Address Song
(to the tune of "Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke)
Don't know much about history,
Don't know much foreign policy,
Don't remember how I got through school,
I'm sure I didn't break the rules,
But what's it matter 'cause my granny says!
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez.
And what a wonderful world this will be."

Don't know much about the women's vote,
Don't know much about the bill I wrote,
Don't know much about the foreign vets,
I've never voted for 'em yet,
But I do know if your dad tries hard,
He can get you in the National Guard,
And what a wonderful place that can be!
Now I never claimed to be an A student,
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet,
I can win their love for me!
Don't know much about air pollution,
Don't know much about the constitution,
Don't know much about th'economy,
It never much affected me!
But there's one thing that I know for sure,
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor,
What a wonderful world this will be!
Don't know much about the national debt,
I've never had to pay one yet,
If we need to we can sell the States,
To the Japanese at discount rates!
But I do know if things get bad,
Dick and I can always call my dad,
And what a wonderful world this will be!

Poster's comments: I got this by e-mail not long after the contested election of 2000. I think it seems especially relevant today...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

You Go, Girl!

By now, you've probably heard about Cindy Sheehan, the "Peace Mom", who has started a peaceful protest outside DUIbya's Texas "ranch".

Cindy's 24-year-old son was killed in Iraq last year, one of the over 1800 troops killed there as of this writing. She plans to continue her protest until she is given a chance to meet with the President face to face. Frankly, I think the chances of that happening are about as likely as the chances of the Cubs playing the Tigers in the World series this year.

The whole situation has made Cindy a mini-celebrity, and support is pouring in from all around. Many people are joining her in her protest. And, of course, the best part about this whole affair is the fact that rumors are cirulating that she and the others will be arrested soon for "jeopardizing national security".


Let me pause here for a moment and give you the unedited text of the First Amendment of the constitution:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." (bold text mine)

So think about this for a minute. Here we have a women who is excercising her constitutional right to protest, and she and the others are being threatened with arrest for doing so!!!

More than 60 years ago, millions of people died in a war to stop a government that engaged in just this sort of tactic.

Truly we have met the enemy, and he is us!

Meanwhile, to Cindy Sheehan, I say this: I'm with you in spirit, if not in body. And while not every American admires what you're doing, they should have no doubt that you have the absolute right to do it.

Saturday, August 06, 2005


By now, unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably heard that the NCAA has banned almost all "Indian-style" nicknames, mascots, etc.(Username: MUKRI@BUGMENOT.COM Password: ANURA1 courtesy of, from any post-season tournament play. Apparently, any school that has a nickname or logo considered racially or ethnically "hostile" or "abusive" by the NCAA would be prohibited from using them in postseason events.

Three words: Get. Over. It.

I can't begin to describe how silly this whole issue is. First, they force the Indians to get rid of Chief Wahoo, and now this.

What's next? Are people going to demand that the New York Yankees change their name? After all, the term "Yankee" was used as a derogatory way to refer to us Americans during the Revolution. Therefore, calling someone a "yankee" is an insult to each and every citizen of these great United States.

Sounds silly, doesn't it? And yet no less silly than all the controversy over the so-called "insulting" Indian names. For Christ's sake, let it go!

I guess I can take some comfort in the fact that in AOL's informal on-line poll, in which the voters were asked, "Do you agree with the NCAA's decision to ban Indian mascots?", of the 62,252 votes received as of this writing, 89% of the respondents answered "No".

There may yet be hope for this country.