Sunday, September 21, 2008

A Heartwarming Story (Pt. 6)

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is PURELY coincidental (Really!)

So, George wanted to be KingofalltheLand.

But how could this be? He was a dumb, young, East coast liberal whose image had been remade by handlers. He was probably the most unqualified candidate his sect had ever produced.

That did not matter. What mattered was his pedigree. His father had held high office, so that meant he was automatically qualified to hold the same office, all logic to the contrary.

And so, the race began. George WOULD be KingofalltheLand. No matter that he was STAGGERINGLY unqualified for the job.

But there was a strong opponent: A man named JohnMcCain...

To be continued...

Monday, September 15, 2008

For the Love of Fuck, Grow a Spine!

If I may take a brief break from my heartwarming story arc and interject something campaign-related:

I have a message for all the members of the Traditional Media: Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, would you miserable, cowardly sheep grow a fucking collective spine?!!!

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain has selected as his Vice-presidential running mate a woman who is about as qualified to hold the second highest elected office in the country as I am.

She was the governor of a city in Alaska that has fewer people living in it than the town of Murphysboro, Illinois, where I lived for 5 years.

She is Governor of the state of Alaska, by population the fourth smallest state in the United states, and the least densely populated state.

It is probable that she has ties to the Alaskan Independence Party, a movement that favors Alaskan Secession from the U.S. (something that we fought a War over nearly 150 years ago.

She repeats in every speech the false claim that she refused the so-called "bridge to nowhere" when, in fact, she was strongly in favor of it right up until the point where it became politically untenable for her to continue to do so. By the way, Alaska kept the money earmarked for that bridge.

She is a strong proponent of abstinence-only sex education, when she has exhibit A of how that program DOESN'T work living under her own roof.

She claims to be a "maverick" who will "fight Washington" when, in fact, with Alaskan Senator Ted "King of Pork" Stevens, she has worked the Washington system to bring as much Federal money as possible to Alaska.

She is clueless when it comes to foreign policy.

And yet, even with all this, when the traditional media reveals these and other stories about her, the Republicans go snarling after them with cries of "liberal media bias". And the traditional media, instead of standing by the facts it has uncovered, cowers in the corner and says "We're sorry! Please don't hurt us!"

So I ask the media to grow a collective spine for once. When Republican attack dogs go after you and call you liberal, calmly reply to them, "These are the facts. They are unassailable. You cannot change them simply by repeating lies over and over."

Yeah. That's gonna happen.

A Heartwarming Story (Pt. 5)

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is PURELY coincidental (Really!)

Chapter 5: The King of Texas

George was now the King of Texas, a prime stepping stone to becoming Kingofalltheland. He was the established favorite of the conservative, so-called "family values" voter, even though he stood in favor of everything that was against everything these "value voters" stood for--compassion for your fellow man, kindness, generosity, and favoring the weak against the strong. In other words, he was against everything these voters had supposedly been taught by their religion.

But no one seemed to notice! The facade established for George by his handlers was impenetrable! And, while king of Texas, he executed more of his subjects than any other king prior to his reign. He gutted the kingdom's education system, auctioned off control of its agencies to private business, and worked to increase his own fortune at the expense of his subjects.

Through it all, the image of the down-home Texas boy was rigorously maintained. George remained the "man of the people" even as the "people" obliviously suffered under his reign, while businesses grew rich off his policies.

But being King of Texas was not enough for George! Like his father, George wanted to be Kingofalltheland. So he gathered around him the same political team that had remade his political image. The time had come. George was ready to follow in his father's footsteps, even if they were far too big for him. That didn't matter, though. This team had remade a drunken, spoiled, East-coast child of privilege into a down-home Texas country boy. Surely, it would be no problem for them to do the same for a candidate for KingofalltheLand...

(to be continued)

Friday, September 12, 2008

A Heartwarming Story (Pt. 4)

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is PURELY coincidental (Really!)

Chapter 4: The First Steps

Now that George had remade his image as being that of the fabled Everyman, it was time to run for office as King of the land of Texas.

It would not be hard. George's credentials had been established. He was the good old down home Texas boy. He was a rancher. He was a man of the People. He was for conservative "family values". He would protect the rights of the common man.

There was, of course, a sinister force behind this image change: the sinister monster known as the evil KarlRove. A longtime political brain, the evil KarlRove had long record of defeating opponents of his chosen candidates through whispers, innuendo, and third party smears. The evil KarlRove wanted George as KingofalltheLand and new exactly what steps to take to do this.

KarlRove knew that George by himself was too much of a dim bulb to be effective in politics, but he also knew that if he surrounded George with the many of the same advisers that had been around George's father, it would look like George would know what he was doing.

KarlRove also had an insidious technique up his sleeve: the dreaded pushpoll. The pushpoll was a poll created to implant negative opinions of the opponent in the minds of voters by asking them seemingly innocuous questions designed to give voters false impressions.

It was primarily through the use of this technique that allowed George to become King of Texas, thus securing his future in politics. Two years later, it would be time for him to run for Kingofalltheland.

To be Continued.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

A Heartwarming Story (Pt. 3)

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is PURELY coincidental (Really!)

Chapter 3: Remaking the Image.

In 1960, a family named Kennedy had successfully put their favorite son John into the office of Kingofalltheland by playing up his image as an everyman. It was easy for them, though, because he was from the Democrat tribe, which had long cultivated its image as the party of the people.

George, however was faced with a new reality. He was a member of the Republic Tribe. This was a tribe made up of two types of people: Extremely wealthy ones, who were the real masters of the party, and easily duped rural and small-town ones who were easily swayed by talk of "family values" and "elitist Democrats". These small-town people were fooled easily by promises that, if elected, the Republic party politicians would quickly act on all the issues that the small-towners cared about. In reality, however, the Republics would NEVER actually ACT on these issues, since they needed these issues to keep this rabid base of small-towners active in their party. It was the only thing that kept getting them elected.

So what was George to do? He was the very DEFINITION of East Coast elitist. He was the wealthy son of a powerful political family. His family hailed from Maine.

The solution was to remake his image. He married a very nice girl chosen for him by his family. She allowed him to have sex with her exactly once, in order to produce an heir, (twin daughters, Lucky George!) who would one day carry on his legacy in Politics if the plan worked properly.

His family also purchased a large ranch for him in the land of Texas, where the so-called "Everyman" reigned supreme in politics, thanks to a hijacking of this title from the legitimate owners of it years before. George cultivated his image as an ordinary man of Texas, a rancher, a populist, an owner of a local sports team (a job he handled miserably, like every other job he had held), and, eventually, the ruler of the land of Texas.

George's image makeover was complete. It was time to run for KingofalltheLand!

A Heartwarming Story (Pt. 2)

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is PURELY coincidental (Really!)

Part 2: A Businessman (sort of)

The next step for young George was to work to increase the vast wealth of his family. With that in mind, he looked to join the same business as many of his family members--that of removing a precious black liquid from the ground and selling that liquid for large amounts of money.

Unfortunately for George, he was a few decades too late. The vast reserves of this precious black liquid where he drilled for had already been tapped dry. There was no more left. Therefore, every business he started in an attempt to get into this moneymaking industry became a miserable failure.

So what was George to do?

Well, as so many sons of successful wealthy families had done in the past, he decided he would enter a magical field known as politics. You see, as had been done for generations before, the sons of wealthy families would often put their names into the running to control the entire land, and as it had worked for his father, George decided he would do the same. After all, what could be a better fate for a failed businessman son of a wealthy politically powerful family than to redeem himself by entering the magical world of politics? Such a thing had been done successfully nearly 50 years before by an almost identical family named Kennedy, so why not George?

Why not indeed...

(To be continued)

Sunday, September 07, 2008

A Heartwarming Story (Pt. 1)

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is PURELY coincidental (Really!)

Chapter 1: The Early Years

Once upon a time, there was a boy named George.

George grew up in a magical town named Kennebunkport. His family was very rich. He had everything in life he ever wanted handed to him literally on a silver platter. His family was the very definition of East Coast Aristocracy.

As a boy, he coasted through life. He attended the most exclusive prep schools, where he was, by most accounts, a mediocre student, but no teacher was going to dare to give a failing grade to someone with his family's power and influence.

His father, years earlier, had served 2 terms as vice-Kingofalltheland and one term as Kingofalltheland. As a result, George himself aspired to this post. So he followed the prescribed path. First, he went to a magical place called Harvard, where the privileged send their offspring to be groomed to be privileged themselves. (Of course, Harvard also occasionally takes in a few token underprivileged offspring just to show they're not a bunch of snobs--but that's another story).

Again, George coasted through school, boozing and partying his way through six (?) years en route to an MBA that apparently had all the legitimacy of a sheet of toilet paper.

To be continued