Friday, January 24, 2014

They Said It Better Than I Ever Could, Cont.

Another entry in my ongoing TSIBTIEC series, presented without further comment:

See how many times you have to watch this until you can watch it without getting teary. I'll let you know when I find out my limit.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Why the New "Robocop" Movie Will be a Huge Failure

Unless you've been living in a cave these last few months, you have to know that Hollyweird has remade the classic '80's movie "Robocop". The original movie, directed by infamous Dutch film director Paul Verhoeven (of "Basic Instinct" and "Showgirls" fame, to name a few), was released in 1987. It was rated R (barely), and even then, to pass strict standards, the most violent parts had to be edited out for release in American theaters. Even after those edits, the film was a complete gorefest. Among other things, the original cut showed a man's arm getting blown off by a shotgun blast. And that was one of the more mild scenes.

Now the remake is due for release in less than a week. Here are a few reasons why it won't measure up to the original:

1) PG-13: These days, if you want to ensure any earnings at the box office, a blockbuster must obtain that crucial PG-13 rating in order to draw in the teen audience. It's hard to get that rating. Especially since guidelines to obtain said rating are completely arbitrary. As a general rule, though, there must be limited blood, limited swearing, and little or no sex or nudity. While the third rule was mostly followed in the original, the first two went out the window early.

2) No Clarence Boddicker: Clarence was supposed to be the bad guy in the first movie. (WARNING: SPOILERS FOLLOW!)

But while he was bad--really bad--it was eventually revealed that he was just the beard for the real bad guy, the corporate bigwig.

Also, the fact that he was portrayed by Kurtwood Smith--one of the most unlikely looking villians--was just a bonus.

3) Robocop knows who he was: From what I have been able to glean from the trailers, this former cop turned android cop is aware of who he was before he became what he is. The genius of the first movie is that the new Robocop is completely unaware of his former life until he is reminded of it by people who knew him.

4) He's Fast: The original Robocop (who was an actor wearing about 50 pounds of prosthetic plastic armor) walked very slowly and stiffly (he really had no other choice).

5) He Did More Harm Than Good: He thwarted an armed robbery by allowing bullets to bounce off his armor, the ricochets of which decimated a Mom and Pop convenience store. He saved a potential rape victim by shooting off the genitals of one of the rapists and being of no comfort to the victim. He ended a hostage crisis by throwing the hostage taker out a window. And he ended a gas station armed robbery by blowing up the entire gas station.

The original "Robocop" was a violent, bloody satire. I don't know how this new one will play out, but I doubt it will be good.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

The Sound of Music

NBC has recently remade The Sound of Music, starring Carrie Underwood in the leading role of Maria.

I don't like Carrie Underwood. I dislike any American Idol winner on principle.

But NBC remade the stage play enacted LIVE on TV (which takes some serious guts)

I ignored it at first. But I found myself flipping back to it for some reason.

When I was growing up, my mother and my sister controlled what we watched on TV. This meant that every year we watched The Sound of Music without fail. I grew to hate it.

However, several years ago my mother lost a long battle with cancer. Ever since, anything she shared with me has driven me to a strong state of nostalgia whenever I encounter it again.

NBC's remake was mediocre at best. As an actress, Carrie Underwood is a good singer. Julie Andrews, if she watched this performance, is pointing and laughing at her.

But I wish I didn't get so unfortunately melancholic whenever I encounter something like this that reminds me so strongly about my mother.

Memory is a great and terrible thing.

This Should Give You Pause...

This is an image of snow on the Statue of The Great Sphinx of Giza taken recently.

Just FYI, the SoTGSoG rests at roughly the same northern Longitude as Northern Florida. Try to think to yourself just how many times in the past few hundred years that you've heard reports of snow in Florida.

Then tell yourself Global Warming does not exist.

For your clarification, global warming doesn't mean it's warm all the time. It also means that weather extremes that normally never happen start to happen. A lot. See example: Hurricane Sandy.

Yeah. That's what I thought.


Yeah, well I was fooled! And apparently I wasn't the only one.

And I'm the first to admit when it happens.

This is NOT the real Great Sphinx of Egypt. Apparently it's one of the replicas of said statue that exist around the world. In this particular case, it's at a theme park in Japan. See this link for more details. You should, however, take note of the fact that there was a snowstorm in Egypt. It just never got cold enough (it is a desert country, after all) for the snow to last very long.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Permanently on the Naughty List.

This is a picture of Santa (or possibly one of his helpers) being arrested for protesting outside of a Wal-Mart. People picketed Wal-Mart for paying their workers so little that they had to have food drives to help their own employees have a decent meal on Thanksgiving.

Wal-Mart may have started out as a model of corporate citizenship, but right now, Sam Walton is spinning in his grave. If he could see what his creation has become today, he'd never stop screaming.

I don't fault those cops for doing their job. I DO fault them for not being right there on the protest lines with the others.

Monday, November 04, 2013


So...I saw this:

Seriously? "Instacurity"?!

I have a little tip for those who are afraid about what their on-line presence says about them: Don't. Post. Anything. On-line. That. You. Don't. Want. Anyone. Else. To. Know.


Facebook. Twitter. Worst. Inventions. Ever.

I do not possess a Facebook account or a Twitter account. I am not that desperate for attention. Merely posting infrequently on an on-line blog is drawing more attention to myself than I ever cared to. I don't advertise Voice, nor to I want to. I don't care if anyone besides me ever reads this.I simply want my thoughts preserved should my descendants ever happen to stumble across them someday.

If people fear becoming on-line outcasts, then the simplest solution to that is to not make every attempt to call attention to themselves on-line. I make frequent references to the fact that I'm lazy to explain the length of time that I take between posts. The truth, however, is that I don't post often because I don't want to call that much attention to myself.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

My Life in Chaos--but Safe

So...this happened.

That is what's left of my 1999 Ford Escort. I had an unfortunate argument with a Jeep Cherokee at one of the most dangerous intersections in Toledo. We both lost.

Fortunately, neither I nor the driver of the other car were seriously injured. Which is surprising, considering 2 things: My car was so badly damaged (as you can see!) that my father stated that he was glad he saw me before he saw the car. And the Cherokee ended up on its side and might have rolled over completely if not for the intervention of a metal light post.

My 14-year-old Escort had the safety chops to protect me from serious injury despite being totaled. And (possibly) an even older Cherokee saved its driver (and passenger(s)?) from even more serious injury.

The respective lives of 2 or more people were saved by the fact that American cars, even those manufactured more than a decade ago, are probably the safest vehicles in existence.

No matter what chaos occurs after living through a major vehicular accident (and believe me, there's a lot), it's a LOT preferable to NOT living through one.

In the meantime, I say farewell to my long-driven (14 years!) Escort. It was the first new car I ever bought and eventually owned outright. Its informal nickname was The Green Machine. Hardly original, I know, but fitting. I am sure that after what few parts can be salvaged from it are taken, it will be on its way to that Great Junkyard in the Sky. After the crash, its radiator bled its remaining fluid into the street. It's now just another part of the asphalt on the Anthony Wayne Trail (Look it up!) Hardly a fitting memorial, but by no means an original one.

Whatever car I end up with to replace it, you can be sure it will have 2 things: a 5-star safety rating, and full-curtain air bags.

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Breaking News!

We now go live to our FAUX news affiliate with this breaking story:

(FAUX news anchor) Hitt Broom: In this breaking news, reliable sources who spoke to me directly from my ass have reported that it has been determined that Miriam Carey, the woman who was killed by Capitol police after leading the police on a chase after attempting to crash into the White House in her car, was actually the secret lover of President Barack Obama and that the child in the backseat of her car was the President's. We here at FAUX news are proud and privileged to be the first to break this exclusive story. We are certain that once our colleagues at CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, and HLN hear this news, they will be eager to join us on this witch hun - er, I mean valid story.

For more on this, we go to our regular absolutely-not-a-racist commentator, Wan Jilliams. Wan?

(FAUX news commentator) Wan Jilliams: Yes, it appears to any normal, not-a-liberal-media-stooge news person that Ms. Carey's only possible reason for attempting to crash through the security gates of the White House was that she was attempting to confront the President and demand that he acknowledge his paternity of her child and pay her child support. There can be no other reason for her actions, and our "colleagues" from other "news organizations" who are attempting to give other reasons such as the fact that she suffered from clinical depression and/or other mental illness are simply further examples of the "liberal media" covering for a Democratic President who is clearly unfit to hold high office. It's obvious that the President will have no choice but to resign immediately.

Broom: Yes, I totally agree. The sources that I pulled from my ass (it was easy to find them, by the way, since that's where my head is most of the time). For more analysis of this breaking story, we go to our regular news rancor - er, anchor, Rill O'Biley. Rill?

(FAUX news nutcase) Rill O'Biley: It's obvious that there is no way a communist socialist Kenyan should have ever been elected President in the first place! The fact that he was elected - TWICE! - can only be chalked up to rampant, ACORN-sponsored voter fraud. And now we have absolute proof that this "President" fathered a child out of wedlock. After all, stuff that came out of our ass can never possibly be wrong!

(FAUX news BIGGER nutcase) Hin Sannity: ARGH, GROWL, SNAP, BARK, SOCIALIST, MUSLIM, KENYAN, GROWL (foam comes from mouth) SNARL, UN-AMERICAN, IMPEACH HIM, DIE FASCIST SOCIALIST, ARGH, BARK! (Falls on floor in rabid seizure).

Broom: Um, yeah, OK, thanks for those insightful thoughts Hin. We'll be keeping you updated on this breaking story which we are all sure will lead to the impeachment and resignation of that vicious Kenyan Muslim Socialist fraud in the White House. And once President Cruz is sworn in, I'm sure all this shutdown and debt default nonsense that our "colleagues" in other "News Organizations" are covering will be over and done with, and we will be living in the new taxes-for-the-rich free utopia that we have striven for these many years. We'll be right back after this break.

(Note: The above is a complete piece of fiction. But don't be surprised it some right-wing organization somewhere isn't already thinking about publishing it as fact. If they haven't already.)