Sunday, October 20, 2013

My Life in Chaos--but Safe

So...this happened.

That is what's left of my 1999 Ford Escort. I had an unfortunate argument with a Jeep Cherokee at one of the most dangerous intersections in Toledo. We both lost.

Fortunately, neither I nor the driver of the other car were seriously injured. Which is surprising, considering 2 things: My car was so badly damaged (as you can see!) that my father stated that he was glad he saw me before he saw the car. And the Cherokee ended up on its side and might have rolled over completely if not for the intervention of a metal light post.

My 14-year-old Escort had the safety chops to protect me from serious injury despite being totaled. And (possibly) an even older Cherokee saved its driver (and passenger(s)?) from even more serious injury.

The respective lives of 2 or more people were saved by the fact that American cars, even those manufactured more than a decade ago, are probably the safest vehicles in existence.

No matter what chaos occurs after living through a major vehicular accident (and believe me, there's a lot), it's a LOT preferable to NOT living through one.

In the meantime, I say farewell to my long-driven (14 years!) Escort. It was the first new car I ever bought and eventually owned outright. Its informal nickname was The Green Machine. Hardly original, I know, but fitting. I am sure that after what few parts can be salvaged from it are taken, it will be on its way to that Great Junkyard in the Sky. After the crash, its radiator bled its remaining fluid into the street. It's now just another part of the asphalt on the Anthony Wayne Trail (Look it up!) Hardly a fitting memorial, but by no means an original one.

Whatever car I end up with to replace it, you can be sure it will have 2 things: a 5-star safety rating, and full-curtain air bags.

Sunday, October 06, 2013

Breaking News!

We now go live to our FAUX news affiliate with this breaking story:

(FAUX news anchor) Hitt Broom: In this breaking news, reliable sources who spoke to me directly from my ass have reported that it has been determined that Miriam Carey, the woman who was killed by Capitol police after leading the police on a chase after attempting to crash into the White House in her car, was actually the secret lover of President Barack Obama and that the child in the backseat of her car was the President's. We here at FAUX news are proud and privileged to be the first to break this exclusive story. We are certain that once our colleagues at CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, and HLN hear this news, they will be eager to join us on this witch hun - er, I mean valid story.

For more on this, we go to our regular absolutely-not-a-racist commentator, Wan Jilliams. Wan?

(FAUX news commentator) Wan Jilliams: Yes, it appears to any normal, not-a-liberal-media-stooge news person that Ms. Carey's only possible reason for attempting to crash through the security gates of the White House was that she was attempting to confront the President and demand that he acknowledge his paternity of her child and pay her child support. There can be no other reason for her actions, and our "colleagues" from other "news organizations" who are attempting to give other reasons such as the fact that she suffered from clinical depression and/or other mental illness are simply further examples of the "liberal media" covering for a Democratic President who is clearly unfit to hold high office. It's obvious that the President will have no choice but to resign immediately.

Broom: Yes, I totally agree. The sources that I pulled from my ass (it was easy to find them, by the way, since that's where my head is most of the time). For more analysis of this breaking story, we go to our regular news rancor - er, anchor, Rill O'Biley. Rill?

(FAUX news nutcase) Rill O'Biley: It's obvious that there is no way a communist socialist Kenyan should have ever been elected President in the first place! The fact that he was elected - TWICE! - can only be chalked up to rampant, ACORN-sponsored voter fraud. And now we have absolute proof that this "President" fathered a child out of wedlock. After all, stuff that came out of our ass can never possibly be wrong!

(FAUX news BIGGER nutcase) Hin Sannity: ARGH, GROWL, SNAP, BARK, SOCIALIST, MUSLIM, KENYAN, GROWL (foam comes from mouth) SNARL, UN-AMERICAN, IMPEACH HIM, DIE FASCIST SOCIALIST, ARGH, BARK! (Falls on floor in rabid seizure).

Broom: Um, yeah, OK, thanks for those insightful thoughts Hin. We'll be keeping you updated on this breaking story which we are all sure will lead to the impeachment and resignation of that vicious Kenyan Muslim Socialist fraud in the White House. And once President Cruz is sworn in, I'm sure all this shutdown and debt default nonsense that our "colleagues" in other "News Organizations" are covering will be over and done with, and we will be living in the new taxes-for-the-rich free utopia that we have striven for these many years. We'll be right back after this break.

(Note: The above is a complete piece of fiction. But don't be surprised it some right-wing organization somewhere isn't already thinking about publishing it as fact. If they haven't already.)