Wednesday, April 12, 2006

If You're a Terrorist, Please Tell Us!

All potential employees of the government of the state of Ohio must now submit a "Declaration Regarding Material Assistance to a Terrorist Organization" or D.M.A.

This also applies to any person or business wishing to contract with the state.

So what does this mean, exactly?

Well, it means that anyone applying for a job with state, county, or city government in Ohio must submit this D.M.A.

And what is the D.M.A. exactly?

Well, it consists of six questions:

1) Are you a member of an organization on the U.S. Department of State Terrorist Exclusion List (USDSTEL)?

2) Have you used any position of prominence you have with any country to persuade others to support an organization on the USDSTEL?

3) Have you knowlingly solicited funds or other things of value for an organization on the USDSTEL? (I guess if you did it unknowingly, it's OK!)

4) Have you solicited any individual for membership in an organization on the USDSTEL?

5) Have you committed an act that you know, or reasonably should have known, affords "material support or resources" to an organization on the USDSTEL?

6) Have you hired or compensated a person you knew to be a member of an organization on the USDSTEL, or a person you knew to be engaged in planning, assisting, or carrying out an act of terrorism?

I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry.

But that's not the best part. No, the best part is what happens if any of the above questions is answered "yes":

"The issuing agency must deny the application and notify the Department of Public Safety's Homeland Security Division of the positive indication"

Translation: Not only will you NOT get the job/contract, but we'll report you to Homeland Security!

I swear to Christ I'm not making this up!

Seriously. Go here and see for yourself.

Let's break this down, shall we? Let me translate those questions into plain English:

1) Are you a terrorist?

2) Have you used the influence of your position to inspire others to become terrorists?

3) Did you raise money for terrorists?

4) Have you tried to turn anyone else into a terrorist?

5) Have you given money or other aid to terrorists?

6) Have you hired any terrorists?

Answering "yes" to any of those questions will, of course, not only result in you not being hired, or not getting the contract, but in YOUR being put on the Terrorist watch list yourself! In other words, answer yes and go directly to Gitmo. Do not pass go, do not collect $200!

How can anyone seriously expect anyone to take this seriously?!

One question: I'm a contributing member of Have they been placed on the Terrorist Exclusion List? 'Cause if they have, then I'd better quit my county job immediately and report to Gitmo.

This is what happens when incompetents are in charge.

Seriously. Imagine this conversation:

Government Bureaucrat #1: What if someone wants a government job or a state contract, but they're terrorists? How do we stop them?

Government Bureaucrat #2: I know! We'll ASK them if they're terrorists!

GB#1: Brilliant!

The mind...boggles.

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