Wednesday, May 24, 2006

I Hate American Idol

Frequently I imagine this conversation:

"Let me get this straight: You want a loan to start a business that will produce bottles of water and sell them for a dollar a piece. And you think people are going to pay a dollar for sixteen ounces of water, when they can go to any drinking fountain or sink and get all the water they want for free?! Get the hell out of my office!"

Or this one:

"Do I understand this correctly? You want money to start a business that's going to sell COFFEE for three, four dollars a cup! When people can get all the coffee they want out of the office coffee machine for less than 25 cents a cup! (Presses button on phone) Miss Watkins, would you please call security and have them escort this crazy person out of my office?!"

Or how about this one:

"I'm sorry, Mr. Gates, but I just can't see how anyone can create an 'operating system' that will allow anyone to use a computer easily. I mean, everyone knows you need a degree in computer science just to turn on a computer these days! And your idea of placing this system on every computer in the country will never fly. The government did away with the monopolies a long time ago. They'd never let it happen again. I just can't allow our financial backers to invest in your company--what'd you call it? Macrosoft? Microscope?"

(by the way, the irony that I'm using Windows Explorer to make this blog entry while sipping from my bottle of water is not lost on me!)

I know. You're asking me, "What the hell does all this have to do with American Idol?!" Well, Chester, I'm glad you asked!

Because, y'see, I imagine the following conversation taking place in the pitch rooms at one of the big networks besides Fox:

"OK, so as I understand it, your idea for the next big hit TV show is to take hundreds of no-talent hacks, have them sing pop songs badly in front of a panel of judges that includes a washed-up pop Diva and a sarcastic British guy? And then to take the few gold nuggets that get sifted out of those thousands of grains of sand and stick them up on a stage in front of a huge audience? You know, there's a reason Karaoke is only performed by drunken people in bars! It's because nobody wants to make a fool of themselves on national television! Get out of here, you morons!"

I mean, COME ON! Can someone please explain to me the appeal of this show? I have left standing orders to my family and friends that if they ever catch me watching American Idol they have my permission to stick me in a rubber room.

Perhaps it's the curse of Andy Warhol. Everyone and their brother wants their "15 minutes of fame". These days, it's a lot more like "15 minutes of lame"

(I realize I'm probably not the first one to come up with that. I still think it's quite clever, though!)

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