Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Rich Idiots Should Give Me Money

I recently heard the news that the cast of MTV's Jersey Shore are demanding $10000 per episode for their "performances" in the series.

So. Now, not only are these people complete idiots--they are now going to be rich idiots.

And I have a plan for them.

As everyone knows, people who are rich need to invest their money. So to you, the rich idiots of the world, I offer you an investment plan. If you send me all of your money, I will invest it for you. I will not invest it in anything that will keep your money safe and secure. I will invest it in my personal expenses. I will invest it in things that will make me happy. In other words, I will use your money in a way that will bring you no security whatsoever. You will lose every dollar you invest with me.

But you won't care. Because you are idiots. You are fools. You know the saying about how a fool and his (or her) money are soon parted. You have an obligation to live up to that saying.

So here are the terms:
1) You must be rich. No one whose personal net worth is less than $10 million need apply.
2) You must be an idiot. The most apt pre-requisite for this requirement is to be a cast member of a reality show. Note: All cast members of Jersey Shore are pre-approved. All other applicants will be judged on a per-case basis.
3) You must realize that any money you invest with me you will never see again. As an idiot, I fully expect that you will have absolutely no problem with this requirement.

If you meet these three requirements, please leave a post in the comments detailing how I may contact you. Please include your name, Social Security number, Mother's maiden name, bank account numbers, credit card information (including the three-digit security code on the back of the card), and anything else you think I might need to access your money.

And don't worry. I will take care of you. And your money. You will get everything you deserve.

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