Monday, September 17, 2012

The Laws of Movies and TV Shows

Have you ever noticed that most things that happen in movies and TV shows (to some extent) will often defy the laws of physics, legal restrictions, human physiology, and even basic common sense? I have. And, in an attempt to explain this, I have come up with a few basic laws that apply only to movies and television.

1) The Law of Inconvenient Ammunition Depletion: Any firearm, regardless of its magazine capacity or whether a hero or villain is wielding it, will always run out of ammunition at the worst possible moment.

2) The Law of Shotgun Ammunition Multiplication: A pump-action shotgun, which holds only six shells maximum, will always be able to fire 3 times that number of shots before reloading. Also, loading a single shell will fully reload an empty weapon. NOTE: This law may be superseded by Law #1 above.

3) The Law of Revolver chamber capacity expansion: Any basic six-shot revolver will always be able to fire more than six bullets without reloading. NOTE: This law may also be superseded by Law #1.

4) The Law of Concussion Avoidance: No character, after being knocked unconscious, will ever suffer any debilitating effects from it.

5) The Law of Uncanny Pistol Accuracy: Any pistol with only a four-inch (or less) barrel will be as accurate as a scoped sniper rifle, regardless of the distance it is fired from, as long as the person firing said pistol stands ramrod straight, takes careful aim, and wears a look of grim determination. NOTE: This law does not apply if missing the intended target is essential to the plot.

6) The Law of Insignificant Flesh Wounds: Bullet wounds, regardless of their location, will not decrease anyone’s effectiveness, unless said decrease is key to the plot.

7) The Law of Cast Iron Bodies: Being struck by a car, or some other similar hard impact, will cause no broken bones, nor any other injuries other than superficial cuts, scratches, or bruises, unless a character is meant to die or be crippled by such an impact, in which case even a slight glancing blow will be more than adequate to cause the desired effect.

8) The Law of Loud Argument Interruption: when two or more characters are involved in a heated argument or discussion, they will ignore someone who has something very important to tell them until said person whistles or yells loudly.

9) The Law of Unimportant Busywork: No Police detective or Federal Agent ever has to spend any time sitting at his or her desk simply doing paperwork – all of their time can be spent investigating in the field.

10) The Law of Unemployment Effectiveness: A Police detective does his or her best investigative work only after being fired or suspended indefinitely.

11) The Law of Prolonged Survival: No secondary character will die after receiving a fatal wound (or wounds) until he or she has delivered a crucial piece of information to the main character(s).

12) The Law of Warrantless Search Nullification: No case based on evidence obtained without a warrant will ever fall apart in the future (although in most cases, such cases usually never go to trial since the suspect or suspects often end up dead anyway.)

13) The Law of the Super-Powered Punch: Any punch thrown by a hero or heroine, regardless of how small they may be or how much their target outweighs them, will completely stun or knock the target unconscious, with no damage to the hand of the punch-thrower. NOTE: This rule does not apply when a punch is thrown at an unstoppable serial killer in a horror movie, or when the punch is simply a futile act of defiance.

14) The Law of Bloody Phlegm Defiance: Any character, after receiving multiple blows to the face or jaw, will always spit a huge globule of bloody saliva off to the side. This will instantly cure said person of any dizziness or disorientation that may have come as a result of those blows. NOTE: The restorative effects of this action are doubled if said globule lands anywhere on the body of the assailant (preferably the face). Also, this law does not work if it is simply a futile act of defiance as stated in law #13.

15) The Law of the Magic Neck Crack: Any character, after receiving a savage beat-down that would land most people in the hospital, may recover from all injuries by simply cracking his or her neck from side to side, producing an audible sound that is never heard in nature.

16) The Law of the Steel Eardrums: No character will ever be deafened by being in close proximity to an explosion, unless said deafness is part of the plot.

17) The Law of the Variable-Speed Explosion: Any fiery explosion will always ignore the laws of thermodynamics and will slow down its expansion speed to accommodate the maximum walking/running/riding/driving/flying speed of the person(s) fleeing it, unless said person(s) is supposed to be consumed by it.

18) The Law of Shockwave-Free Explosion: A variable of #17, this law allows any character to stand motionless in front of, or slowly walk away from, a massive explosion without being bowled over by the shockwave from the blast, unless being knocked down by said shockwave is part of the plot.

19) The Law of Useless Self Hand-Gagging: Any character, after blurting out crucial information that others are not supposed to know, will instantly clap his or her hand(s) over the mouth in a useless attempt to retroactively prevent the words just uttered from coming out.

That's what I've come up with so far. More may follow later.

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