Breaking News!

We now go live to our FAUX news affiliate with this breaking story:

(FAUX news anchor) Hitt Broom: In this breaking news, reliable sources who spoke to me directly from my ass have reported that it has been determined that Miriam Carey, the woman who was killed by Capitol police after leading the police on a chase after attempting to crash into the White House in her car, was actually the secret lover of President Barack Obama and that the child in the backseat of her car was the President's. We here at FAUX news are proud and privileged to be the first to break this exclusive story. We are certain that once our colleagues at CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, and HLN hear this news, they will be eager to join us on this witch hun - er, I mean valid story.

For more on this, we go to our regular absolutely-not-a-racist commentator, Wan Jilliams. Wan?

(FAUX news commentator) Wan Jilliams: Yes, it appears to any normal, not-a-liberal-media-stooge news person that Ms. Carey's only possible reason for attempting to crash through the security gates of the White House was that she was attempting to confront the President and demand that he acknowledge his paternity of her child and pay her child support. There can be no other reason for her actions, and our "colleagues" from other "news organizations" who are attempting to give other reasons such as the fact that she suffered from clinical depression and/or other mental illness are simply further examples of the "liberal media" covering for a Democratic President who is clearly unfit to hold high office. It's obvious that the President will have no choice but to resign immediately.

Broom: Yes, I totally agree. The sources that I pulled from my ass (it was easy to find them, by the way, since that's where my head is most of the time). For more analysis of this breaking story, we go to our regular news rancor - er, anchor, Rill O'Biley. Rill?

(FAUX news nutcase) Rill O'Biley: It's obvious that there is no way a communist socialist Kenyan should have ever been elected President in the first place! The fact that he was elected - TWICE! - can only be chalked up to rampant, ACORN-sponsored voter fraud. And now we have absolute proof that this "President" fathered a child out of wedlock. After all, stuff that came out of our ass can never possibly be wrong!

(FAUX news BIGGER nutcase) Hin Sannity: ARGH, GROWL, SNAP, BARK, SOCIALIST, MUSLIM, KENYAN, GROWL (foam comes from mouth) SNARL, UN-AMERICAN, IMPEACH HIM, DIE FASCIST SOCIALIST, ARGH, BARK! (Falls on floor in rabid seizure).

Broom: Um, yeah, OK, thanks for those insightful thoughts Hin. We'll be keeping you updated on this breaking story which we are all sure will lead to the impeachment and resignation of that vicious Kenyan Muslim Socialist fraud in the White House. And once President Cruz is sworn in, I'm sure all this shutdown and debt default nonsense that our "colleagues" in other "News Organizations" are covering will be over and done with, and we will be living in the new taxes-for-the-rich free utopia that we have striven for these many years. We'll be right back after this break.

(Note: The above is a complete piece of fiction. But don't be surprised it some right-wing organization somewhere isn't already thinking about publishing it as fact. If they haven't already.)