Friday, December 21, 2007

Merry Christmas?

Two days ago, at work, I received a call from my father, who informed me that one of my best friends from High School (and for a long time thereafter) was found dead in his apartment. He apparently died from self-induced alcohol poisoning.

So. Here we are. 3 days away from Christmas. And I find out that a man who once was as close to me as a brother decided that his life wasn't worth living.

What goes through a person's mind when they reach such a state?

Oh, I've heard all the usual theories. It's a chemical imbalance. It's the time of the year. It's despair. It's any number of things.

I don't buy that.

This man and I were almost the same age. We both were unmarried. We both lived alone.

But he chose to end his life. Perhaps accidentally, perhaps on purpose. We may never know.

So why did he do it?

I think it's because he wanted to take the easy way out.

I know that someday someone who knew both of us may read this post and be very angry at me for saying that. I don't give a flying fuck. I'm seriously pissed off.

My daily life is miserable. I'm stuck in a dead-end job with little or no room for advancement. I'm 40 years old and I live alone except for a neurotic dog. I have little to be happy about.

But I keep going. Because I know that the people in my life would be miserable if I didn't. Like I am right now.

And I am mad at him for that.

It's irrational. It's insensitive. It's wrong on many levels. But it's how I feel.

And I hate myself for it.

And I hope that venting myself like this will help me get over it. And remember that this man was my best friend, and that I should be happy for the time we spent together, and for the many fond memories we created.

As a final word, let me say this: My friend, I will miss you. And although we drifted apart over the years, I treasured your friendship. I didn't have many friends in High school, and the fact that you chose to be my friend when you could have had many friends who were cooler makes me happy. May you find the peace in death that apparently eluded you in life. Goodbye.

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