Saturday, November 14, 2009

Roland Emmerich Hates us All

By my count, Roland Emmerich has now destroyed the world, or at least a major portion of it, no less than 3 times now. He's done it with aliens, Global warming, and now, in his latest pile of crap, 2012, a complete polar shift.

As usual, the science is suspect, the writing is terrible, the effects are eye-popping, the ending is predictable, and the cliches are flying right, left, and center.

You know, it's usually not a good sign when you leave the theater after a disaster movie laughing so hard you nearly piss yourself, but I simply couldn't help myself. This was, hands down, probably the silliest movie so far this year. And that's saying something. After all, this is the year of G.I. Joe and the new Star Trek movie.

Just so you don't waste your money, let me spoil a few things for you that you might think would make this movie worth seeing.

* John Cusack does not die.

* You don't get to see Amanda Peet naked (for a change).

* Arnold Schwarzenegger does not play himself

* Woody Harrelson dies spectacularly--er, wait, that's a good one. Strike that.

It's a typical Emmerich movie in other words: $200 million spent on effects and about a buck-fifty on the script. Other than some truly spectacular effects which will surely win the Oscar, this movie has nothing else to recommend it. Take my advice and save your money. They really aren't worth it.

Want an example? OK Sparky, you asked for it. Here's my prime example of how dumb this movie was: Over the course of this movie, the magnetic poles shift over 200 degrees of latitude, California falls into the ocean, Ultra-volcanoes erupt and cover the surface of the planet with ash clouds, 100 story skyscrapers topple, and 30000 foot high tsunamis surge over the top of mountains in the Himalayas. And yet, through all this, people's cellphones still work just fine. Not a single structure still stands on 5 of the 7 major continents, and yet the cell towers are still there.

Yeah. That's what I thought.

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