Monday, January 13, 2014

Why the New "Robocop" Movie Will be a Huge Failure

Unless you've been living in a cave these last few months, you have to know that Hollyweird has remade the classic '80's movie "Robocop". The original movie, directed by infamous Dutch film director Paul Verhoeven (of "Basic Instinct" and "Showgirls" fame, to name a few), was released in 1987. It was rated R (barely), and even then, to pass strict standards, the most violent parts had to be edited out for release in American theaters. Even after those edits, the film was a complete gorefest. Among other things, the original cut showed a man's arm getting blown off by a shotgun blast. And that was one of the more mild scenes.

Now the remake is due for release in less than a week. Here are a few reasons why it won't measure up to the original:

1) PG-13: These days, if you want to ensure any earnings at the box office, a blockbuster must obtain that crucial PG-13 rating in order to draw in the teen audience. It's hard to get that rating. Especially since guidelines to obtain said rating are completely arbitrary. As a general rule, though, there must be limited blood, limited swearing, and little or no sex or nudity. While the third rule was mostly followed in the original, the first two went out the window early.

2) No Clarence Boddicker: Clarence was supposed to be the bad guy in the first movie. (WARNING: SPOILERS FOLLOW!)

But while he was bad--really bad--it was eventually revealed that he was just the beard for the real bad guy, the corporate bigwig.

Also, the fact that he was portrayed by Kurtwood Smith--one of the most unlikely looking villians--was just a bonus.

3) Robocop knows who he was: From what I have been able to glean from the trailers, this former cop turned android cop is aware of who he was before he became what he is. The genius of the first movie is that the new Robocop is completely unaware of his former life until he is reminded of it by people who knew him.

4) He's Fast: The original Robocop (who was an actor wearing about 50 pounds of prosthetic plastic armor) walked very slowly and stiffly (he really had no other choice).

5) He Did More Harm Than Good: He thwarted an armed robbery by allowing bullets to bounce off his armor, the ricochets of which decimated a Mom and Pop convenience store. He saved a potential rape victim by shooting off the genitals of one of the rapists and being of no comfort to the victim. He ended a hostage crisis by throwing the hostage taker out a window. And he ended a gas station armed robbery by blowing up the entire gas station.

The original "Robocop" was a violent, bloody satire. I don't know how this new one will play out, but I doubt it will be good.

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