Why I am a "Good" American

A while back, there was a reactionary rant circulating around the internet that was titled “I am a Bad American”. It recently landed in my inbox for the umpteenth time. Its authorship has been attributed to such notables as George Carlin, Paul Harvey, Ted Nugent, Dennis Miller, Andy Rooney, and many others. Obviously, none of these reasonably intelligent people would write such a piece of claptrap. But it got me thinking about what it means to be a “good” American.

And so, keeping the original “bad American” piece in mind, let me share with you why I believe I am a “good” American:

(Ahem)

I believe that having a big house, a big boat, or a big car does not make you a bad American. The size of your house, car, boat, or anything else you own has nothing to do with what kind of American you are.

I believe the money I make is mine to keep only after the government takes what it needs to pay for the upkeep of the roads we drive on, the police and fire departments that protect us, the schools that educate our children, or any of hundreds of other government-provided services we take for granted every day.

I believe playing with toy guns doesn’t make you a killer. I played with toy guns. I also believe shooting someone with a REAL gun makes you a killer.

I believe girls have a right to join the Boy Scouts if they want to. I also think it’s silly for a GIRL to want to join the BOY Scouts. And don’t talk to me about “gender roles”. With a very few exceptions, we were all locked into a specific “gender role” from the moment we were conceived.

I believe it’s a crime and a moral failing for one of the richest industrialized nations on earth to allow any of its citizens to live on the street, or to allow one-fifth of its population to go without access to adequate health care.

I believe in the sad truth that being born a minority in this country means the odds are against you from day one. We’re never going to get rid of racial inequality in this country until we’re willing to admit as a society that it exists in the first place.

I believe people have a right to be weird, different, or just plain make us angry. I just wish so many people wouldn’t exercise that right! I also believe I have the right to ignore such people.

I believe, contrary to popular belief, that guns do kill people--that’s what they’re specifically designed for. And yes, baseball bats and cars can also kill people, but, unlike guns, that not what they are specifically designed to do, nor is it what they do if used properly.

I believe that if someone is selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, or a hotel room, I should be grateful that there is someone in this country willing to do those unglamorous jobs, regardless of whether or not they speak English well. It’s probably the best job they can get at the moment. A lot of our fathers and grandfathers couldn’t speak English very well when they first got here. Most of them did okay.

I believe our police are doing an admirable job of holding back the tide of crime and chaos that threatens to overwhelm our society. I believe they should be admired for this. I also believe that being a police officer does not make someone above the law. Police officers are in a position of great authority, and must therefore act with even greater responsibility. If they injure or kill someone without cause, they deserve to be punished for doing so.

I believe that what happens behind closed doors, between consenting adults, is none of my business--nor is it the business of politicians, clergy, police, or anyone else.

I know how to count votes, too. And I believe that I can trust an electronic voting machine about as far as I can throw it. I also think that if you received the most votes, you won the election. Period.

I know what the definition of lying is, too. I also know that it happens way too often

I thought the Taco Bell dog was silly. I also know how to read above a third-grade level.

I believe “safe and sane” fireworks means a professional fireworks show. It does NOT mean the free use of fireworks that can remove fingers, arms, or any other body parts. There’s a good reason most of these items are illegal.

I believe blaming Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbourne, or Ice-T for anti-social behavior in children is a lot like blaming the mailman for your high credit card bill. If your kids are screwed up, odds are it’s your fault.

I believe that it’s a bad sign that too many college-age kids are being forced to go to work at Jack-in-the-Box or Blockbuster instead of going to college where they belong.

I believe Americans need to eat less, period. It is a sad fact that heart disease is the number one killer in this country.

I believe the Constitution is a fine document, but one that was also written over two-hundred years ago. And it’s one that has been amended 27 times. If we held on to the belief that the Constitution should never be changed, blacks would still be slaves and women would still be unable to vote. I'm quite certain neither of those ideas would be very popular today.

I only hate the rich when they complain about their high taxes. If someone has more money than me, they should pay more taxes than me. That’s not class warfare. That’s just fair.

I only pity the poor when I see them used as stepping-stones to help the rich get richer.

I believe that while wrestling may be fake, the injuries and deaths incurred by children imitating the wrestling moves they see on T.V. are real. I also have no sympathy for adults who are injured in the same way. They should know better.

I believe handguns and machine guns have only one purpose: Killing people. For that reason, they represent a greater threat to our national security than all the terrorists in the world. And until we realize this as a society, that threat will continue to exist.

I believe that while I never owned a slave, nor did most of our ancestors, the fact is that this country was built on the back of slave labor. And we owe them a debt we can never repay.

I believe that spanking your children is not a crime. Beating them is. If you can’t tell the difference, you shouldn’t have children.

I believe that not everyone worships God the same way that I do. That is their right. I’m pretty sure He doesn’t mind. Neither should anyone else. I also believe that going to church doesn’t make you a good Christian any more that going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.

Finally, I believe an idiot with an e-mail account and a cause is more dangerous than a terrorist at the controls of a jumbo jet.

I, too, will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. Because I believe that they make me a good citizen--which I believe is the only way to truly be a “good American”.