Monday, October 10, 2005

Tales from my Documents, Continued

Created: Unsure
Author: Yours truly
Title: Rules for Being the Next James Bond Supervillain:

This is a little piece I came up with from watching 40 years worth of James Bond Movies. If you enjoy it, please feel free to pass it along to your friends and family.
Please acknowledge me as the original author, though!
Eric Johnson—Toledo, OH

Suggestions for the next James Bond Villain

Being the villain in any James Bond movie always seems to be a bad career choice. I mean, yes, you always have lots of power, money, and fabulous babes, but you inevitably die a gruesome death at the hands of 007, and afterwards he whisks one or more of the aforementioned fabulous babes off to some secluded hideaway for copious amounts of sex, while whatever remains of you (usually not much) is left behind to rot. Therefore, in the interests of leveling the playing field, I would like to offer the following suggestions to the next Bond villain:

1) Make your base of operations a small, innocuous building in some backwater area, one that will do absolutely nothing to call attention to your activities. While it may be a tremendous ego boost to have a gigantic and fantastically complicated base, these locations inevitably become deathtraps after 007 applies a few strategically placed ounces of plastic explosive.

2) If you absolutely MUST use one of the aforementioned bases (due, perhaps, to the size of the device you are going to use to threaten the world), then spare no expense in its construction. Hire the world’s best structural engineers to design it so that it won’t collapse if one single support beam is destroyed! Make sure it is equipped with radar towers, sonar systems, motion detectors, guard dogs, electric fences, antiaircraft weapons, and anything else you can think of. Hey, this is no time to be cheap! Cutting corners here and there may save you a little money, but you can’t spend it if you’re dead! Oh, and whatever you do, DO NOT build underground or under water, unless you WANT to die crushed under millions of tons of dirt/rock/water/lava/etc.

3) When you hire guards/assassins/henchmen/etc., don’t hire a bunch of drunken bums who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a blunderbuss! Hire the best soldiers that money can buy. Hire the best weapons and martial arts experts you can find to train them in all techniques of armed and unarmed combat. Drill them constantly, and provide them with the best weapons available. Provide them with workout equipment and maintain a vigorous training schedule in order to keep them in top physical shape. Yes, it’s expensive, but as I mentioned before, this is no time to be cheap!

4) DO NOT hire ANY female guards/assistants/lieutenants/technicians/etc. While this may be a sexist attitude, it is a scientifically proven fact that even the most butch female is unable to resist the charms of 007. Besides, you’re an evil villain! What are they going to do, sue you for sex discrimination?!

5) Don’t bother to kidnap the brilliant scientist’s wife/daughter/mother/son/etc. in order to gain his cooperation in designing your superweapon/plague/computer virus/stealth ship/etc. He will only be resentful and work to sabotage your plans in any way he can, while trying to alert the world to your location. Money is a much more effective way of ensuring his collaboration. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This is no time to be cheap!

6) Don’t bother throwing elaborate parties to show the world how rich and powerful you are. Such occasions inevitably provide the opportunity for 007 to do a little snooping and/or sabotage. Besides, if you are so insecure in your position that you need to brag about your power and wealth, you’re in the wrong line of work.

7) DO NOT broadcast your demands to the world’s governments by way of television, radio, or any other form of on-air transmission. While it may again be a tremendous ego boost to laugh maniacally while you gloat over the fates of the helpless peoples of the world, 007 and his cohorts will undoubtedly trace your broadcast back to its source and launch an attack. A simple e-mail routed through several anonymous mail servers should be sufficient. Of course, don’t forget to destroy a city or two at the same time so people will take your threats seriously.

8) If you have crucial files whose secrecy is vital to the success of your plan, it might be a good idea to have someone GUARDING them! And whatever you do, DO NOT have it be someone that you TRUST ABSOLUTELY! This person is always a spy! In fact, if there is anyone that you TRUST ABSOLUTELY, it’s probably a good idea to kill him or her immediately. Save yourself a lot of grief later

9) If you hire people to advise you, it might be a good idea to LISTEN TO THEIR ADVICE every once in a while.

10) Keep your demands realistic. You being named the ruler of the entire world will NEVER happen. Even if every government of every country in the world says it will surrender to you, they are only stalling for time until 007 can take you out. It’s probably better to simply ask for an extremely large sum of money. Afterwards, you can always use that money to BUY your way into power.

11) When you send henchmen to kill 007 before he can get to you, tell them not to bother with such killing methods as circular saw yo-yos/Kendo sticks/flying razor hats/spiked tire motorcycles/etc. These methods are clever but useless. A hail of gunfire coming at him from as many different directions as possible will be far more effective.

12) If your henchmen claim to have killed 007, don’t believe them until you have seen his lifeless body and have personally disposed of it (cremation is the best method).

13) If you have managed to lure 007 into coming after you, think before you set up your trap. If he is driving towards your lair, don’t send a few pitiful helicopters armed with machine guns/rockets/saws/flamethrowers/etc. after him. He will easily dispatch these. Instead, send a few heavy bombers to carpetbomb the area with one thousand pound bombs. Yes, it may seem like needless overkill, but it’s also the only way to be sure. If these weapons are not available to you, then you didn’t plan properly and you deserve to fail!

14) If 007 is approaching by air, don’t bother trying to test your new supersecret weapon on his plane/helicopter/gyrocopter/etc. A few batteries of state-of-the-art Surface-to-Air Missiles should be more than adequate to bring him down. Again, if these weapons are not available to you, see #13 above.

15) If you know 007 has arrived, but you don’t where he will come in, immediately dispatch a large squad of guards to cover that “secret” entrance that nobody knows about. Odds are, he’s found out about it somehow.

16) When you capture 007, KILL HIM IMMEDIATELY! And don’t waste any time trying to plan an elaborate death for him involving laser beams/killer alligators/lethal man-eating sharks/etc. Again, clever, but utterly ineffective, no matter how stress-relieving or amusing it might be to you. SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD! RIGHT AWAY! SEVERAL TIMES! And then dump his body into a tub of acid! Hey, this is no time for half-measures!

17) You should also make sure when you shoot 007 to do it yourself, preferably while three or four very burly guards hold him steady. Whatever you do, DO NOT send him away with one of your trusted lieutenants to do it for you. 007 will easily be able to dispatch him as soon as they are out of your sight. Besides, I think we’ve covered the issue of people you trust, haven’t we?

18) If shooting him is not feasible or desirable at the moment (although I don’t see why it wouldn’t be), then have him stripped naked, and then proceed to remove his watch, rings, pens, glasses, and any other items he might be carrying. Have someone do a cavity search with a rubber glove and metal detector. I know, it’s disgusting, but it’s also the only way to be sure.

19) After removing these items, place them immediately inside a bombproof safe to which NOBODY knows the combination, not even you. Then immediately make arrangements to have that safe dropped in the ocean, at its deepest point if possible. Better yet, do it yourself. If that delays your plans by a few days, the so be it. Late is better than dead!

20) Secure the now apparently harmless 007 in Handcuffs, Shackles, Leg irons, and a restraining facemask a la Hannibal Lecter. Then lock him in a dark cell, preferably one that was fashioned from a small hole in the ground to further limit his freedom of movement. Remember to kill him as soon as possible, though.

21) Be careful that you don’t mention any part of your plan to anyone while 007 is in the same room. He will no doubt find some way to contact someone on the outside and warn him or her of what you plan to do.

22) Whatever you do, DO NOT bring the “helpless” 007 into your main control room to be a witness to the culmination of your ultimate master plan. He will inevitably find some way to foil it no matter what condition he is in.

23) Always have a foolproof escape plan ready. That way when, despite all your precautions, 007 has escaped (which happens more often than not), and is in the process of killing all your guards (he’s very good at that) and calling in the army/marines/navy/air force/etc. (they always seem to be available to him at a moment’s notice), you can get away as quickly as possible. Whatever you do, DO NOT stay within your burning control room and prepare to fight Bond to the death. You WILL lose.

24) When you’re making your escape, don’t try to fly away on a plane/helicopter/
blimp/etc. You might as well throw yourself out without a parachute and save 007 the trouble. It’s time instead to board a small tramp freighter as a stowaway and float away to some remote, extradition-free country. Yes, it’s messy and undignified, but at least you’ll still be alive at the end of your journey. Then you can use some of the millions you salted away in your Swiss bank accounts to get some plastic surgery and start planning another dastardly scheme, one that will WORK this time! You might also want to think about a possible career change—Obviously, your first choice is not working for you

If, despite all these tips, you still fail and 007 kills you, just remember that you are the evil villain! You are destined to lose! Perhaps you should’ve applied your money and power to buying the Presidency! That seems to be a much better career choice, and you can probably find some way around that little term limits thing!

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